"Why don't you just run away?" I said, that day when she arrived at my door, muddy, rain-soaked, and with a black eye.
"He'll find me Taylor... he'll find me... and kill me," She was sobbing.
"Come on in," I said, opening the door and taking her shivering body into my arms, "He won't find you here. He can't find you here. You can stay with me... please."
"Tay, I can't... I can't bring you in the middle of this."
I kissed her forehead, "I love you. I'll do whatever's in my power to protect you..."
"Stop trying to save me."
"Why? You saved me."
She was silent and I could feel her loosening up, falling into my embrace, "You're warm." She hummed.
"You're cold."
"I wish I could lock myself up in a blanket of you. I'd be warm forever." She raised her eyes to meet mine, and I saw love.
I pulled back, "You need to come get a change of clothes; you're soaked."
She took my hand as I led her upstairs to my room. "Can I choose which of YOUR clothes I get to wear?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess - my dresser's the second one over...yeah...that one."
She opened the drawer and pulled out some clothes. She began to get undressed, slowly, as if... cautiously. She looked at the third dresser, "Hey, what did you guys do with Zac's clothes?"
"They're still in there," I said, just realizing that. I walked over to the drawers and opened them up, casually going through his old t-shirts and pants. "I would love to ask him if I could borrow some of these clothes, I feel weird about wearing them and not having him yell at me for stealing his clothes, again."
I turned my face up to Annissa who was standing in a pair of my boxers and gingerly hanging up her clothes on the door knobs of my closet to dry. I closed the drawer and crept up behind her, "Who said you could wear my underwear?" I giggled, kissing her bare shoulder and wrapping my arms softly around her.
She turned to me and her lips crushed against mine. I felt her bare breasts pressing against my chest but I didn't get a chance to look. She drove me so crazy, tangling her hands in my hair and pushing her tongue forcefully against mine. I grunted with satisfaction. Such a primitive beast am I.
She slid her hand down over my crotch and groped my forming erection and kept humming little dirty things into my ear, "Mmm... You're such a big boy. Ooh, I can feel it, so nice."
My face grew hot and I opened my mouth to reply. That's about when Isaac walked in to the room. I spun and grabbed a T-shirt from the floor for Annissa. He looked slightly baffled for a moment.
"What's going on?"
I shoved my hands in my back pockets and looked shiftily to the side, "Ah, nothing. We'll leave... Annissa just needed a change of clothes. She got soaked in the rain."
He grinned at me, seeing very clearly what had been going on, "Oh, I see, I'll let you alone."
"No.. you don't have to." I insisted, trying to act as if I didn't want him to leave. Even though I knew very well that our cover had already been blown. He had that big fat 'I-know-a-big-secret-hee-hee-hee' look plastered all over his face, and I could just see him giggling down the hall with this information going to tell Zac. He was too old for that now, and Zac wasn't around to tell. He still smiled, but turned on his heel and left us alone in the room.
Her hands snaked around my waist, "Taylor." She hummed in my ear, "Can I use your shower? I'm so dirty."
I looked slightly disappointed, but nodded and she slipped away to the bathroom. I sat down on my bed listening to her shuffle around behind the door and then eventually start the shower. I sighed dejectedly and flopped against my pillow, I was just itching with sexual tension, and she was naked, in the shower. I pictured her lathering up her hands with soap and rubbing them all over her slippery body. I shook my head. "No, stop it," I said aloud. I groaned and turned over onto my stomach, staring at the door, which, to my pleasant surprise, opened.
Steam poured out and she peeped her head out, "Well what are you waiting for? Come on."
I perked up immediately, standing up and stepping happily into the steamy bathroom with her. She was undressed completely naked standing before me and I could feel my jeans tightening just looking at her. She stepped in the shower, "Whenever you're ready you can come in and wash my back."
I think I was smiling ear to ear, because my cheeks were beginning to hurt. I dropped my drawers, and yanked off my t-shirt and joined her in the shower wrapping my arms around her and kissing her.
She giggled and grabbed my dick, "Taylor, you keep poking me." She rubbed herself against my penis, "Whose a big boy? I think its Taylor... You... big, big boy." Her voice went from cuddling with your baby brother to raspy and lust-filled.
I grabbed the bar of soap and began to lather it up in my hands, "You want me to wash your back?"
"Yes," She said, turning her back to me and pushing her hair aside. I ran my hands over her back rubbing the soap all around as she allowed the water from the shower wash it all away. I began to touch and rub her back kneading the tight muscles of her back. She moaned, "Mmm... You're so good at this."
I slid my hands around her to her front and created invisible circles on her stomach with my fingers. She sighed softly when I cupped her breasts in my hands and began to massage and knead them the way I would have her back.
"Taylor," She whispered, her hand drifting down between her legs, "I want you." Much to my amusement she began to touch herself and moan my name under her breath. I followed her lead, leaning my face close to her ear as I took one of my hands and began to pump my dick.
"Ung." I made some more primitive sounds of pleasure and desperation into her ear and she shuddered visibly before turning around.
She smiled at me and I placed my hands on my hips, "Yes?"
She didn't say a word, but pushed me against the wall and climbed on top of me pushing my dick inside of her, the whole length of me. I smirked at her and pulled her against me, "You want to scream?"
She nodded and I turned my body around, pushing her against the wall, thrusting forcefully into her. She looked horrified for a second, but the look soon faded and her body writhed against mine.
She was biting her lips and looking at me nervously, as her body began to quake. She covered her mouth to muffle her screams. My knees buckled and I let out a yelp when I came. She was still shaking in my arms, and I was still slowly pushing in and out of her. It wasn't until I went completely soft inside of her that I pulled out of her.
The shower had gone cold. And we both stepped out and gathered our things. I peeped my head out of the room, and seeing that the coast was clear, we stepped out. We didn't dress. Our whole bodies enveloped in an intense euphoric haze, softly filling us up. We lay naked, next to each other on my bed for hours before we eventually drifted off to sleep.
Not a word was mentioned about my ribs, and not a word was mentioned about her bruises. We were perfectly imperfect.
i like my body when it is with your
- e.e. cummings
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,
and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new
When I woke up it was late in the evening, and Isaac was standing over my uncovered body. She was no longer lying by my side. I looked nervously about and then stopped to look at Isaac.
"She's gone, Taylor. Had work."
"She had work?" I said, "Night shift? When did she leave?"
"A couple of hours ago you've been out cold all afternoon."
I grabbed the sheet and pulled it over myself, "Oh, okay. I'm going back to sleep then, maybe I'll go out to the store later..." I murmured softly turning away from him. I hadn't been talking to Isaac all that much lately, especially since he overheard Ani and my conversation a couple of weeks ago. He had been trying to make me eat and asked me about food often. He hovered outside of the bathroom door every time I went in there, as if he was just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on me.
"Tay, we need to talk." He said.
I turned over with the blanket up to my neck. He had just seen me, lying openly, for hours, completely naked. I felt vulnerable, knowing he had never seen the skeleton body I was beginning to take on. "About what?" I asked, even though I knew.
"You."
"What about me...?" I asked, hesitantly.
"You know what about you." He sneered, obvious disgust in his voice. "You... you worry me so much, sometimes. I... can't deal with knowing that you're killing yourself."
"I'm not killing myself."
He stared at me for a brief second before yanking my sheets off of my body, "Then what is THIS, Taylor? Take a look at yourself for three seconds!"
I grabbed the blanket but he grabbed my wrist and pushed me back down flat on the bed with his other hand. His eyes were flashing with anger. He squeezed the sides of my chest. "Stop trying to cover! It doesn't matter! I know it's there! I'm your fucking brother - why don't you tell me what's up, every now and then? Why are you so ashamed!?"
I was squirming in his grasp and I pushed him off of me and stood up, turning away from him with my arms crossed. My arms were shaking and my eyes filled with tears. "If you stopped reprimanding me for everything I've ever done, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit to you the things you have to find out through EAVESDROPPING!" I shouted angrily. I paced across the room and looked in the drawers for my underwear. I glared at him as I walked to retrieve It.
"I thought you were BETTER." He said, "After all that time in fucking rehab. You'd fucking think that you'd have SOME respect for Zac and CONTINUE what you promised him you'd continue! You're disregarding him!"
"Disregarding him?" I shouted, "Disregarding him!? How is it I'm disregarding him?"
"Because if he were here you wouldn't be starving yourself." Isaac said softly.
I clenched my fists tightly and said through my teeth, "If he were here, a lot of things would be different, wouldn't they, Isaac?"
He glared at me, and quickly chose another attack. "Why won't you eat?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Why are you throwing up your meals?"
"I can't keep them down!"
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
I paused. "Because I want to fucking disappear!"
"Why don't you care?!" He bellowed, losing control of his temper. He struck out in a violent fit, knocking things over and throwing things, "Why are you doing this to me!?"
"That's your problem!" I shouted, "I'm not doing ANYTHING to you! You don't understand!"
"Then why..." He paused, gritting his teeth, "Did you listen to Zac?"
"Because ZAC understood." I said quietly.
"Well then." He said, "Do you care to explain? To make me understand why you're... you're fucking starving yourself to death?"
I shook my head, "No, I don't." I looked at him and purposefully shoved my fingers down my throat and acted as if I was going to gag.
"You're such a fucker." He said. "I can't believe... I can't believe you're doing this."
I pulled my hand out of my mouth and stared at him. I was embarrassed to show myself to anyone else, feeling as if I was weak. But in front of Isaac I felt stronger. I ran my hands over my ribs, and acted as if I enjoyed feeling my uneven chest. He turned his face away from me, and momentarily I almost felt bad about my lie... it was too easy - to lie to Isaac. It had been all I ever did anymore. Lie. "I like myself." I said, "I like weighing 120 pounds."
"Well," Isaac said, sadly, "Then you're fucked up, Tay." He turned on his heel and left the room.
"He seems to be worried I'm hurting his ego or something," I mumbled to Annissa over the register at the convenient store.
"Tay, he's just worried about you." She said softly, "He probably just doesn't want to deal with the prospect of another tragic thing happening to someone he loves so much."
"I guess." I fiddled with some counter items. "I guess I've lost a lot of weight. It's just a depression thing, it'll pass." I tried to brush it away. "I've been through phases like this before with different things."
"If it doesn't pass. If it's not really a phase, get help. Please do me a favor and get help." Her pale green eyes pleaded with me.
"I'm fine." I said softly, "I'll be fine."
"never been here - how about you ?"
you smile at my answer,
you've given me the chance,
to be held and understood.
you leave me laughing without crying,
there's no use denying,
for many times i've tried,
love has never felt as good.
be it downtown or way up in the air,
when your heart's pounding,
you know that i'm aware.
you make it easy to watch the world with love,
you make it easy to let the past be done,
you make it easy.
how'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
how did i find you ?
how can this be true ?
to be held and understood.
keep it coming - no one's running
the lesson i'm learning
'cause blessings are deserved
by the trust that always could
be it downtown or way up in the air,
when your heart's pounding,
you know that i'm aware.
you make it easy to watch the world with love,
you make it easy to let the past be done,
you make it easy.
you make it easy to watch the world with love,
you make it easy to let the past be done,
you make it easy.
new star in the sky
my baby blue is a new star,
in the sky,
the world the world the world the world,
just for you for nobody else.
- air "you make it easy"