Every time I saw her, her face was sallow and her eyes red. We hung out, we made love, and we swallowed pills. I knew what was wrong, but the walls were building higher and higher. I couldn't do anything about it... What could I do?
"Taylor," She asked me one day, as we walked down a forest pathway, "Would you miss me if I were gone?"
I stared at her, in somewhat disbelief, "Why are you planning on floating away, right now, or something?"
"I would like to." She mumbled to the ground.
I grabbed her hand and we walked to a clearing over a cliff, which we often sat at. "What are you saying?"
She turned away and started walking toward the edge, hanging her foot over, "Tay, would you be upset if I just... stepped off."
I pulled her back and she slumped against me, the weight of her body nearly pulling me down, "Yes." I kissed her, "I would." I wrapped my arms around her safely, "Stop talking like this baby, you're scaring me."
She buried her face in my chest, "My Daddy doesn't want me to see you anymore."
I shook my head, "I can't go a day without you, Ani. He can't stop you... you're legally an adult. You're 18."
"He can stop me, trust me he can stop me." She turned her face to the side, "He can stop me."
I shook my head and held her tighter. I wanted her to be mine, forever, safe in my arms - safe from him. She tried to distance herself, but everyday it only held us together even stronger - the bruises, the pain, the drugs, the sickness, we were one - we were for each other. Our love was strong, but I could see it in her eyes, he was beating her down, and she was falling, hard.
Every day I saw her it got worse. She was shaking, scared... bruised. She needed me to hold her, and I never wanted to let her go. I never wanted to take her home again, but she begged me. She said he needed her. He needed her?
I dropped her off at her place one evening, and eased cautiously out of her driveway. I was starting to drive down the road when I saw her father open the door, grabbing her collar and pulling her inside. I stopped and parked abruptly and ran to the door. I heard her screaming on the other side, my whole body was filled with such rage. I turned the knob to the door, finding it open, and I stepped into the house. I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing - but anger is blind.
I stood in the doorway for a second, looking around me for a direction to go. I heard a soft sobbing come floating down the hallway and then slapping, crashing and screaming. I walked toward the sound and I saw him in a bedroom throwing punches at her curled up body.
I ran in and threw myself at him with all the strength I had in my weak limbs. He wasn't hard to throw off balance, obviously drunk. He sputtered and then looked up at me and started to yell incoherently for a moment.
"You fucker! How'd you get in my fucking house!? Don't you know this is private property - boy?" I didn't answer, rage filling me from head to toe as I watched him talk to me and spit at me, "You've been fucking my girl!" He shouted in my face, "No one fucks my girl! No one touches my girl! Talk to me boy!"
I didn't reply and he swung at me. I ducked my head and he was once again thrown off balance. "Stay away from my daughter, pretty boy!" He shouted, "All you do is feed her your fucking drugs! You don't love her!"
I stepped back and crouched down beside Annissa, who was curled up, crying on the floor still. I touched her shoulder softly, "You stay away." I said, my teeth clenched, "Stop hurting her."
He ran at me and tackled me to the floor. I lay stunned for a second as blows were taken at my chest. I struggled for a second, and I heard Ani yelling over him. Over and over I was being slapped down against the floor, pounding into my chest. For the first time in my life, I was scared out of my wits of someone else. My breath was growing short, and pain was so strong that it didn't even hurt anymore. The room was fading in and out of black. I didn't go out, though. He didn't get his chance to do what he wanted to do... because by some force of God he stopped, just as quickly as he had started. I lay shocked for a second, and Annissa pulled him off of me. I stood up, my shoulders were shaking. My chest was pounding, and it took a minute for my vision to focus. I saw him push her down on the bed.
"So you want me to give him a fair chance?" He spat. "Do you think you love this boy? A fucking manipulative, weak, drugged up rock star?"
She sobbed. "ANSWER ME!"
He pushed her body and she choked out the words, "Yes. I love him."
"You don't love him!" He shouted, "You fucking whore! You don't love him!" He hit her in the back over and over with his belt and she didn't respond. He gave up after pummeling her for a bit, and turned to me. "Come here, boy."
I walked over cautiously, ready to jump if he tried to attack me again. He grabbed me and pushed me in front of the bed, facing her. "You want me to give this boy a fair chance?" He said, once again. "Prove he loves you somehow? If he loves you he'll do anything for you? We'll see." He sneered. She stared up at me, battered and shaking.
"Take off your pants." He commanded.
"Excuse me?" I asked in disbelief.
"Take them off - do you want me to do it for you?"
I stared at him, and undid my belt. I yanked my pants to my ankles and stepped out, standing up, staring at Annissa with questioning eyes. She had no answers, just tears streaming down her cheeks. He yanked my boxers to my knees and I felt my face redden. I kept searching her face for some kind of answer, and still there was none.
He reached his hand around, grabbing me and squeezing, hard. I stared at the patterns on the bed sheets.
"If you love my daughter are you willing to do anything for her?" I nodded my head, solemnly and his grip tightened. I was struggling to keep tears out of my eyes. "Never see her again."
I didn't respond, he started twisting his hand around and I winced forward, "Do you understand!?" He shouted, "Understand, pretty boy?! Never see her again or I'll twist your balls off! You are not to have relations with my daughter ever again! This the end!"
"I understand." I said, my voice came out in a high-pitched squeak. I didn't say all of the things I wanted to, my mouth remained shut. I stared straight forward at the curtains on the window. He pulled his hand away and I slowly exhaled a sigh of relief, but it was cut short by a punch square between my legs. I bent forward clutching myself in pain. I felt sick all over.
"Get dressed and leave."
I pulled my pants and shorts back on and buttoned. I felt so violated, so angry. I stared in disbelief at this man. The most disgusting person I had ever met, whiskey on his breath and blackness over his heart. I wished I had a cigarette - I would have put it out right between his eyes. I had a horrible ache in my stomach and a throbbing between my legs. I couldn't leave her with this man.
"Go," She said, pointing at the door, "Tay! Just go!" She screamed, "Why are you still standing there!" Tears were streaming down her face. I couldn't allow this.
I stepped forward and threw a punch at the man, with all of my power. My hand met his jaw and he fell over onto the floor. I grabbed Ani's hand, pulling her away with me. I took her in the car and drove for an hour out of town. We rode in silence until I decided to pull over on the side of the highway in the corn fields - the ones that went on for miles and miles. That's when I stopped and looked at her. Her lip was bleeding.
My skin was crawling with hatred, and I stared at her... hatred emanating from me. "How..." I started, "What the fuck was that? Are you fucked up!?"
She started to cry, and then went into a panic, "Tay he'll kill you! I bet he has everyone in the world out looking for me now... Saying you kidnapped me, or something! He'll kill you when we get back... He'll kill you!"
I ignored her frantic pleas, "We're going to the police."
"No, just take me home," She said, "Take me to my car and I'll drive home myself... get in your house. Safe! Be safe, Tay..."
"What about you?" I said, looking at her, "I can't... I can't let him hurt you." I clutched my fists and tears streamed down my face, "I won't let him hurt you anymore! He can't hurt you! No one should ever hurt you! I love you too much... I love you too much. You're 18... get out... get away."
"Daddy's not so bad." She said softly, I could see a bruise appearing on her cheek and her eye was swollen, "When I get home tonight he'll treat me like a princess. That's always how it is! I can't leave him... he's lonely. He'll kill himself. You... You can't possibly understand."
I leaned my face into the steering wheel, starting to shake and cry, "You can't stay with him, An! You're all bruises! You're bleeding!" I paused to take a breath, and exhaled a sob. "You know why I did that? Why I let him fucking twist my balls? Because I love you! I'll do anything for you Ani! Even if it means I have to suffer... and be... be... humiliated! I haven't got anything to hide from you." I cried, "That's all that matters... I love you."
She grabbed my shirt and pushed me into the back seat, crawling over my body, she had a sad look in her eyes, "I love you so much." She said, wrapping her arms around me, hugging me tightly, "Please..." She climbed up on top of me, "Please, before you take me home..." She unzipped her pants. "I want... I want to forget for a few minutes. Please... please let's forget."
I shook my head, "I can't Ani." I pushed her hand away from my zipper, "I just got smacked in the balls. I can't right now, not like this."
"Please," She said desperately, "Please, Taylor... Please. I want to make love to you one last time."
I couldn't say no. So I did. My body was on fire, but there was something between us that night that made me think that perhaps this really would be the last time. And I took her to her car that night, and she drove home out of my sight. I wished I could have convinced her not to go. I wished I could help her. But I couldn't.
And I wondered what she was going to look like tomorrow.
My baby's got a heart of stone
can't you people just leave her alone
she never did nothing to hurt you
so just leave her alone
The motion of her tiny hands
and the quiver of her bones below
are the signs of a girl alone
and tell you everything
you need to know
I can't explain it
I feel it often
everytime I see her face
but the way you treat her
fills me with rage and I
want to tear apart the place
You try to tell her what to do
and all she does is stare at you
her stare is louder than your voice
because truth doesn't make a noise
-The White Stripes "Truth Doesn't make a noise."