I went into the convenient store and asked Beth if she had seen her. "Well," She looked hesitant, "She's been late to work all week, tired, sick. She came in yesterday and I was tempted to tell her to just go home and get some rest... she looked beat. Her face was all bruised, you know, like she'd been in a fight, but she told me she just had a bit of a tumble. She hasn't shown today... Her phone's been off the hook all afternoon."
I creased my eyebrows with worry. "I think I'm going to go to her place and see what's up..." I said, trying not to sound like I was being clingy or over worried. I tried not to feel over worried, but I was. It was unlike her to be late for work... It was unlike her to leave the phone off the hook. He was holding her captive. I knew it.
I stepped out of the store and drove to her flat. When I pulled into her driveway I noticed immediately that her father's car was not there. I felt my grip loosen on the steering wheel, and a wave of relief. He wasn't home. I was safe. Her car was parked crooked in front of the garage, and I parked behind it.
When I walked in her door all I heard was music blaring, loud and resonant. Bjork's "Hyper Ballad." The song she had played for me in the car... and countless times since, the words often on the end of her tongue, singing to me. I had already known it by heart because of her.
"Annissa?" I called, "Hello, you here?"
No reply. I walked to her bedroom. Nothing but the stereo blaring. I shook my head and headed down the hallway, checking rooms. I was getting nervous, the knots in my stomach were twisting and tying. The walk down the hallway was excruciating. I walked in every open door, and she was nowhere. I started to frantically open closets, and called her name. Had he taken her away? I had overlooked the closed bathroom door, and when I saw it, I almost laughed at myself for being so foolish, but the sinking feeling persisted. I knocked softly and called her name over the music, but there was no answer.
I opened cautiously and the first thing I saw were the orange tubes. Empty bottles of every prescription medicine she owned. Then I saw blood... All over the floor and dripping from the bathtub. My heart leapt in my throat when I crept over. Her body lay motionless in the empty tub, eyes rolled back... but open.
I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands, as if it would just go away if I closed my eyes. But when I opened them again, it didn't go away, and she was still there... looking grayer than she had before. I threw my arms around her and tried to shake her awake, but nothing changed... her body just slumped further. I couldn't make any sound. I couldn't feel any pain. I couldn't even tell what was real and what wasn't. My vision was so blurry and instantly every reality became confused. I had to step away.
The dripping of the blood off the bathtub antagonized me. In my ears it was louder than the music blaring through the house. I screamed at the sound and covered my ears. The song repeated.
I go through all of this, before you wake up. So I can feel happier, to be safe again with you.
I noticed the silver of a razorblade in her hands and pried it away from her, her hand flopping limply into the puddle of blood she was lying in. I stared at it for a second and I shoved it in my pocket before stumbling out of the room.
What the fuck was going on?
I stuttered and stumbled down the hallway, delirious and shocked. I didn't know what to do, or how to react, but something told me to pick up the telephone, so I did. I didn't know what numbers to dial, it was all a blur from my memory. I saw a red sticker on the receiver and on impulse I dialed the number I saw on It.
"Hello, 911 emergency..."
I choked. I tried to find the words... but nothing came out.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
I cried and started murmuring inaudible things into the phone, "Help," Was the only word my tongue could form, "Help..." I repeated.
I dropped the phone and squeezed my legs to my chest. I was shivering and scared. It was a long time before I heard a knock on the door and it made me jump. I started shaking my head and gasping for sounds and words. No... no. Don't do this. The knock came again, and I clung tighter to my body. The door opened and stood up when I saw the men coming in.
"What's wrong? What's happened?" A man shouted to my face. I stared at him and the other people around him. The police and EMTs were all looking at me expectantly, and I couldn't find my voice. I was paralyzed and covered in her blood. I motioned in the general direction of where the bathroom was in the house and moved my lips, and it took a few words for sound to actually come out. I couldn't hear it. I was speaking but all I could hear was my heart beating.
The men pushed past me and I was in a haze, collapsed on the couch. I stared at the blank television and my mind created scenes for it to play. I was watching them. People on the television were crying, and laughing, and swinging on swings tied to trees. Women made dinner for their husbands, and the kids came home from school with their backpacks strapped securely on their backs. I was in a television program, a place where nothing went wrong. Nothing could touch me there. Suddenly there was a man kneeling beside me, questioning me.
My consciousness was fading in and out... I only caught parts of what he was saying and what I was responding.
"...Name?"
"Whose name?"
He pointed and moved his lips.
"Taylor..."
"What happened?"
I turned my face away, "She's bleeding in the bath tub." I stared at the textures in the ceiling, the words escaping without my consent, "I wanted to say sorry... and found her bleeding."
"What's that?" He motioned toward something out of my view. "Taylor - We found this - it's addressed to you." An envelope was pushed into my hand, "Why don't you take it."
I held it close to my chest. I closed my eyes, and I felt like I was starting to fade, that this was going to be the end of me, my heart was too torn up.
"Taylor, stay with me..." He said, and I became aware that I was shivering again. "Taylor, what was the girls name?"
"Annissa," I said. That was the last time I would say her name, or much of anything for a long while.
"Last name?"
I didn't answer. I didn't answer any more questions.
When they pulled me away from the house, I heard the song start again. Chords that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
"We live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like:
car-parts, bottles and cutlery...
whatever I find lying around."
I fell asleep in the back of the police car and awoke in an empty room, a chamber almost. It was all white, and things were fading and dizzy. I wanted to go back to sleep.
A person came in, wearing a white coat holding a clipboard. A doctor. I knew where I was now. I had been here before.
He sat down beside me on a stool, "Hello Taylor, I'm Doctor Andrews, pleased to meet your acquaintance."
I reached out and took his hand, shaking it. I sat up in my bed and with my knees held to my chest still, I faced him. He gave me a reassuring smile and said, "Don't worry, you're only here temporarily... I just need to get some information from you... the EMT's said you weren't speaking clearly before."
There was a silence.
"I understand something very traumatic has just happened to you," He said in a gentle voice, "But could you please just answer these questions for me, then you're free to go..."
I nodded. I knew I would be back, though.
"What's your name...? Full name, please."
"Jordan Taylor Hanson." I said, weakly.
"Age?"
"Twenty-two."
"Birth date?"
"March 14th."
"Do you know your home phone number, so I can call your family or parents? Do you live with someone...?"
"I live in L.A." I said, "But I've been home... My brother..." I stopped, "I've been at my parent's place for the past few months... you can call their place."
He nodded but didn't dwell on anything, "What's the number?"
"555-4132." I said.
"Okay, that's all we need to know. You can leave as soon as your family shows up." He said gently.
"Thank you." I said, meekly. A sad excuse for a voice.
After the doctor had left I lay back down and I curled my knees to my chest. I didn't dare do anything abnormal, because an insane asylum was not where I wanted to stay. I stood up and meandered slowly about, eventually finding myself drawn to the barred up window. I fingered the steel screen caging in me in from the outside. I began to sing the lyrics to the song... Her favorite one, the one that echoed through the house and seemed as if it was echoing here.
"I go through all of this, before you wake up," I hummed softly, "So I can feel happier to be... safe again... with..."
I crumbled, crouching down and curling against the wall, crying again. The memories pulsed through me and I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to vomit, but I held it in. Afraid to close my eyes - because if I did her pale face and the whites of her eyes would flash before me.
"I go through all this, before you wake up," I started to sing again, "So I can feel... happier to be safe again with...you." I squeaked.
I fingered the textured wall as I continued to sing, "It's early... morning.
No one is awake...
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
I listen to ...
the sounds they make... on their way down
and I follow with my eyes till they crash," My fingers trailed to the floor and I swirled them around in the dust, "And I wonder what my body would sound like... Slammin' against those rocks." I closed my eyes and heard the dripping of blood off of the tub. I was jolted up and grabbed the steel screen when I stood up, I sang to the window, "And when it lands, will my eyes... be closed..."
The door to my room opened and I finished the phrase, "Or opened?"
I turned my attention to the door where the figure of my brother stood.
"Tay, are you okay?" He said, walking quickly to me.
I shivered when he pulled me into a hug, "I feel like the plague." I felt helpless, lost, and that was the only thing I could say.
"Taylor..." He said, "Don't say that." He hugged me tighter, I think he was the one that needed comforting. He stroked my hair and whispered, "Everything you've ever touched turns to gold."
"Gilded." I said, "Just fake, like me."
He shook his head and grabbed my arm, "Let's head home..." He said, softly, "You've had a long day."
Isaac spent the night with me, even though I was the most unbearable person to even try and converse with. I couldn't get the song out of my head. I covered my face with a pillow and screamed half of the night, trying to get it away - trying to get the images away... but they remained. Everything I saw was settling inside of me, in a big liquid vat. Being mixed around, meshed around, and one day the chemicals were just going to explode. I shook all over and a sick sensation washed over my body. I threw up all night.
My family came home late, and everyone gathered around me that night. When I started to panic again my mother was by my side, soothing me the best she could. I fell asleep by her side. She was singing in my ear.
...now you cant leave me here
i've got your back
now you better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
you say that all the time
so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarassed
about the way that i feel
...trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building basecamp at the bottom
of a really big deal
did i ever tell you - how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up
shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending...
i was finally free...
- Ani Difranco - independence day