Because of me, her suicide had become national news. It was all over television on the local stations, and all over the cover of the National Enquirer. "Tulsa suicide, Taylor Hanson mourns once again." It was because I was there at the site of her death. It was because I was the first to see her - and never will - again. I was pushed and pressed for interviews every time I left the house - but I couldn't speak to them. Didn't they know my throat was closed up?
I stayed in the day before our flight out. I spent it staring out the window at the trees' new growth. It was late May already and the whole world was being brought back to life, except for me. I sat over the toilet with my fist in my mouth puking up tar and blood.
Isaac had been trying to make me get better since he found out about my problem. He fed me every day, at first, this annoyed me immensely. It was hard for my stomach to handle food after it had been starved of it for so long. But I had started to gain those pounds back, that was what mattered. I did it for him, I did it for Annissa.
But, what did I have left now?
More weight - gone. I was 120... 115... 110... 105... and declining. My face grew thin, and my body weak. Isaac continued to bring me meals, watching me chew my food and swallow hard. My throat was dry, and I hadn't spoken to anyone since I had fallen asleep that night. After he left the room I would stick my fingers in my throat and retch everything in me into the ceramic bowl.
I fell too hard, too fast and now I was paying for It.
I turned my face from the window to the crumpled piece of paper I had sitting on my bed. Her letter. Every word I had memorized, but I couldn't stop reading It.
Dear Taylor, Her handwriting was all over the page, and it was painful ... just to see.
I'm sorry, Taylor. I'm sorry to have to do this to you, after all that you've done for me... after all that you've been through these past few months. You and your brothers kept my heart beating for a very long time, and I can't thank you any more for that. But... I can't keep going on like this, I can't deal with being insignificant. Life just goes in one big circle... and all it's ever gonna do is repeat.
So what's my life in the big circle?
Nothing.
When you dropped me off the other day, Daddy ripped the phone cords out of the walls and screamed. I couldn't call you. I couldn't see you. Yesterday he left, and today he's not back. You're leaving in three days. This is it, Taylor. I'm broken. I'm alone. Without you... without Daddy.
I didn't show up for work, today, and I won't... ever again.
I'm writing you this... because... I need you to know that I love you more than anything in my life, and when I get to heaven - if the place exists, I will be sure to ask God if I can be your angel. The words seem so insignificant now, on paper. But it doesn't matter, because you need to know.
So, I'm giving up. Like every other weak, depressed teenager out there. I haven't got anything left. But you do -
Survive for me, Taylor. You're a someone.
Love you always,
Annissa
I stopped and folded it up, carefully placing it in the envelope. The letter had become unreal, like it didn't happen. A fictional story. I couldn't feel sorry for myself anymore, a numb sensation was cast over my body, and everything was a million miles away. My friends, my family, my job, and mostly - myself.
And I was supposed to face it all again? On the plane on the following day - I was supposed to walk back into my old life like nothing had happened?
Los Angeles had become our home for years, Isaac and I had an apartment with a warm sunny view in the morning. Then again, what wasn't warm and sunny in L.A.? The three of us shared a place in the city of Hollywood, dreaming like movie stars and living senseless. Working, parties, and home. In L.A. Zac met Alexis. Alexis - his beautiful redheaded soulmate. She gave us the call the day of his accident, home in Tulsa with us for our Holiday break. We were just packing up to head back to our sunny home when Zac died. Alexis left shortly after the funeral, but tied to our family, Isaac and I stayed.
If only we hadn't stayed... there would be no girl from the convenient store, there would be no suicide.
It was my fault.
Dirt beneath my fingernails.
I grabbed my orange bottle. Valium. The doctor had prescribed them to me again for my panic attacks, but I was using them to put myself to sleep. Three should do.
Suddenly, I was saying goodbye to my family outside of the airport, kissing my Mom and hugging my Dad. Isaac was telling them both I'd be all right. Then I was looking out the window at the Rocky Mountains from my airplane seat, heading to the sunnier side with headphones playing in my ear.
"Today is the day
For dancing and for singing
The birds in the trees
And all the bells are ringing
The sun in the sky
Is bright as bright as second light
Is bright - oh god I hope I'm alright
Cause I'm gonna cry.
Hold on, hold on
Slow down, slow down
You're out of touch
Out of touch.
Cause there is no design for life
There's no devils haircut in my mind
There's not a wonder wall to climb
or step around.
There is a slideshow and it's so slow
flashing through my mind.
Today was the day - but only for the first time."
Lyrics (c) to Travis ("Slideshow")