Zac met Alexis in a club in LA some years ago, when we were recording an album. Soon after, he was spending all his spare time with this girl, and she quickly became a part of the gang, my other sister - the girl Zac was supposed to marry. I hadn't spoken to her since the funeral. She came home with us for Christmas and she returned home alone.
So, for the first time back in LA... walking over these sunny sidewalks, I thought of her, and the many times I walked down these same streets with her at Zac's side. I picked up my cell and gave her a call, desperate to see her, but I didn't know why.
"Hey, Alexis," I said when she picked up, on the other end. My unused voice was so weak - she was the first person I had spoken to in days. "It's me..."
"Taylor!?" She said, sounding surprised, almost upset.
"I want to see you, will you see me?"
She hesitated, "Well... I don't know..."
"Can I come over?"
"Okay," She said, with a tinge of hesitance.
"See you there."
Click.
She lived on a sunny street with palm trees and flowers. I remembered what door to approach, and I remembered which apartment to buzz. She came to the door, and leaned against the doorway staring at me with her arms crossed, her bright green eyes sullen.
"Hey..." I said, smiling at her shyly.
"Hey, Tay."
There was an awkward silence and I stood in the hallway rocking back and forth on my feet for a minute or so before she smiled slightly and said, "Come on in..."
I stepped in and she led me to the kitchen where she sat down and stirred at a cup of coffee as we sat, in silence, neither of us sure what to say to each other, because all we could think about was him, but neither of us wanted to speak about him.
"Do you want a cup of coffee?" She asked.
"Okay."
So the cup of coffee was mine, and we sat, stirring sugar around in our cups, not speaking for a long time. Afraid to bring up the topic we had both been avoiding.
"You know..."
"He..."
We both smiled and I allowed her to talk first, "Tay.. I have something to tell you... and I should have told you... A while ago."
I looked up at her face, curiousity and pain reading in my eyes. Secrets and lies and news to me. "Tell me." I said.
"Tay do you notice anything different about me?"
I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. What was she trying to say? "Like what?"
"Like... This." She stood up and turned to the side, placing her hands on her stomach. Her hands rounded the bulge of her tummy. How could I have not seen that?
I let my eyes wash over her, and I looked up into her face, "You're pregnant?"
She nodded, "Do you know who the Daddy is?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head in disbelief, letting a few tears slip out, "Did he know?"
She nodded her head slowly, "I told him the day I came into Tulsa, that was the day I found out. He was there when I took the tests... He always wanted to have children." She hesitated to wipe a tear from her eye, "We were going to tell you at that big dinner you were planning with the manager, and your colleagues and family right before we all headed back to LA... He was so excited about it..." She slid down to the floor and put her head in her hands, "He wanted this child so bad, he was already buying me stuff for the house - He shopped online for me and sent it here... When I got back to my apartment... All the packages were lying on my bed, and I just didn't know what to do! After all that had just happened, how was I supposed to tell you guys!?"
I knelt down and pulled her into my arms, sitting down on the floor with her. "We were supposed to have a great big house in Connecticut, and live the perfect life."
I felt helpless with this new knowledge. I hated the world even more now for taking Zac away from us... Taking Zac away from his unborn child. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be anyone? I didn't say a word to make it better, because I knew nothing could make it better - words couldn't change the past. Words couldn't do a goddamn thing.
There was an awkward silence; her sobs echoed through the kitchen, slowly subsiding. She turned her eyes to me and said, "You look like fucking hell, Tay."
I ran my hand through my stringy unwashed hair, "You're not the first one to tell me that." I said, casting my eyes to the floor. Alexis noticed the scar on my arm instantly. That was the initial point, I suppose, so people could see it. But I was beginning to regret it now.
"What's that?" She pointed.
I rubbed my arm self consciously, "She... An.. I mean..." My throat was closing again.
"A girlfriend?" She prodded with a bit of a knowing smile on her face.
I looked down, "Yeah, she was."
"Was? You have her name in your skin and she's a was? Taylor..." She put her hand on her hips and began to reprimand me.
"Alexis - no..." I said, "Just stop, it's not what you think."
"Then what is it? Tay, all you ever did was play with girls, you know it... Can't you just stop playing games, you..."
I cut her off again, "I'm not playing games." I clenched my fists at my side, balling up the emotion threatening to surface and keeping my mouth tightly shut. I loved her more than anything in my life! My voice left, again.
"Well then what happened then - she dump you?"
I shook my head, "No." There was no use in lying to her - Alexis was like family, like another sister. I just didn't have the strength. I couldn't say anything. I stared in silence.
She looked concerned, "Tay - tell me, what's under your skin?"
I tried to smile, I tried to talk. No sounds came.
She looked at me worriedly, "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine." My voice finally came.
She looked at me with wary eyes, then changed the subject, "So, how's the music and everything going?"
I laughed cynically, "Music? Idle."
"Have you played?"
"A couple of times... Ike's been playing a lot, though, so I suppose it's not completely idle."
She looked concerned again, "Are you guys working again?"
"Starting soon," I said, "I think we might record a few tracks and wrap up what we have, and release it."
"That's good." She said with a smile, "Is everything going well at home - with the family and everything?"
"Yeah, they're doing alright." I didn't tell her how my Mom had aged, and how my Dad still cried. I didn't think I wanted to tell her that I hadn't eaten for six days and Isaac was too busy playing his guitar to notice that I scooped my dinner into the garbage every night. I didn't tell her about Annissa, and I couldn't tell her that she was the first person I had spoken to for days.
I couldn't be open. I tried, but I couldn't. We sat for a little while talking about Zac - and it was refreshing to finally talk to someone who was outside of my house entirely who knew him and loved him as much as I, and was not rotting with us in our Tulsa home. It felt nice to talk - to make use of my shrunken vocal chords... but the more and more we talked, the greater my hole felt. Annissa, Zac... and Alexis with a child. Everything started to pile.
It had been some time, and we were still sitting on her kitchen floor talking and catching up when a girl entered the room.
"Hey, I'm home..." The girl came in and threw a couple of books on the counter and opened the fridge. "Whose your friend?"
"Ah, yeah." Alexis stood up, "Hey Sarah, this is Taylor... Taylor - that's Sarah."
I stood as well and stuck out my hand, which she took and shook firmly, she looked up at my face and grinned, "You're Taylor Hanson, aren't you?" She said through her toothy grin.
"Yeah," I said, sticking my hands in my pockets, "I'm Taylor Hanson."
She laughed, "Oh, I didn't recognize you at first... I mean... I ... Ha... - There's no way Taylor Hanson is standing in my kitchen!"
I shrugged, "In living color." I said with a small smile.
"Alexis, you are sooo cool." She said hopping around from foot to foot and giggling. She put her hands on her hips and stopped her hopping and looked at me, "So, Taylor... how are you today?"
"I'm okay," I said, "Just got home. I've been back at home - well, the other home - for a few months."
"Ah, I see. Hey I'm real sorry about what happened to your brother by the way, I'm glad to see you're doing okay. Alex was worried, neither of you called or anything."
I glanced at her and she blushed, "I... I didn't realize she was worried."
"Hey, whose Annie?" She said pointing to my arm. The second person to notice. I crossed my arms across my chest self consciously.
"A... Ah-nee." I corrected, "It's Ani."
"Ani... alright, well... then who is she?"
I shook my head, "Just a girl, no big deal."
"Girlfriend?"
I shook my head again. "Stop asking questions." I said it without thinking and covered my lips with my hand after I realized it came out. "I'm sorry..." I said, "I... I just don't want to talk about it."
"Well," She said snottily, "Maybe you shouldn't have her name engraved in your fucking arm if you don't want people to ask about her. Smart one."
"Maybe we should just drop it and stop talking about it." I retorted, "Maybe you should mind your own business."
"Fine. I'm minding my own business." She said, slamming the fridge door shut and tromping down the hallway.
I didn't say anything. "So..." Alexis hummed, "Glad to see you guys are getting on well."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to yell at her."
"Tay, don't worry about it, she'll get over it." She reassured me, "She just took it the wrong way." She glanced at her watch, "Hey listen, Tay... I have class - do you want to catch up for dinner or something tomorrow?"
"Sure," I said, "You know the number."
"See you later, then... I'll give you call." She called over my shoulder as I was walking down the stairway from her apartment. I slipped my sunglasses on my face and walked with my head down.
Sometimes crying's all you can do.
"Yeah he's been a total recluse lately," I heard Isaac saying through the doors to the telephone. "He was getting better until recently...yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Well I don't know, he talked to you?
He hasn't said a word to me for days...
He doesn't really eat... well... at all. I've been trying to feed him but I have a feeling it's not going anywhere but out again...
Yeah... I think he just needs to cope at his own pace, though.
He's asleep right now.
Yeah he's had a rough week... I mean... his girlfriend just committed suicide and, I mean... I don't know what to think of your news, I mean...
...yeah, he didn't tell you?
...yeah, he's really depressed, I'm worried about him, though. Really worried. I don't think he thinks I care... but I do, and it hurts so bad to see him so upset. He's so... numb. He's so emotionless...
It's nice to know that he's talking again, though.
Zac would have known... Zac would have made it better. I can't ever live up to what Zac was...
I don't know... sometimes I wish it were me, not him.
Alright.
Well, thanks.
Alright, Alexis, I'll see ya later, get a good night's sleep."
*click*