I stopped in front of the mirror and began to pull my clothes off. Sticky. Sweaty. I folded my arms across my chest shivering, my naked body against the cold air, and looking up at the mirror, I saw the glint of my eyes. I stretched out my arms and took a look at myself, for the first time in months - took a real good look at myself.
The light cast dark shadows over the gaps between my ribs, under my eyes, and between my protruding hipbones. Everything was missing. In my mind's eye I saw my heart hanging out of my chest, beating rapidly, and everywhere... there was blood. Blood. That was what I needed.
I stumbled around and found the box designated solely for Ani's razor blade. I walked into the bathroom and eased the door shut. Shaking, I opened the shower curtain and stepped into the white tub. I lay down and with the blade in my hands. It was encrusted with her dry blood, still. I used it to cut into my stomach below my bellybutton. I carved out the letters.
The next thing I knew I was screaming. Shaking and shivering all over and screaming. The bathroom door burst open and I couldn't stop. I curled up in terror, screams now becoming small whimpers in my throat.
"Calm down." Isaac breathed rubbing his hands comfortingly over my back, "Taylor, Calm down. What's wrong?"
I shook my head and rivers of tears were streaming down my face. "Just leave me Isaac... I'm fine." I felt so ashamed, and I didn't want him to see my skin and bones, so I continued to lean forward, curled up, and turned away - refusing to face him.
"You're shaking, Taylor, you were screaming."
"I was... I thought I saw something and I didn't." I said, "Go away."
"What... what was it? What are you doing in here?" He didn't see the blood dripping around me. Why did I have to scream to wake him? He wouldn't have to see what it's come down to. "Tay, please face me, you know I don't care that you're naked... Can you please tell me what happened? I don't like to see you upset - I want to help you and be there for you, Tay."
I shook my head, and let a small whimpering sob out of my throat, "You don't want to see me, Isaac... it would hurt too much."
"Tay, I'm your brother," He said, with yearning in his voice. "Your pain is my pain - we all bear the burden - remember?"
"The burden I bear is not one I would ever want you to have to lift." He reached forward and I shook him off of my shoulders, "Ike, please."
"What did you come in here for, Tay? Why are you mysteriously naked in the bath tub in the middle of the night?"
He didn't know how she died.
"I woke up... I couldn't sleep. I had a nightmare."
"Why...?" He asked, I wasn't sure what he was asking about.
I turned the knob on the tub and water poured around me. I remained curled and turned my face down, between my knees, "Leave me alone." I sighed, "Just... leave. I don't want you to see me." The water filled up around me and mixed with the blood, creating a reddish tint to the water. I clutched the blade in my hand - not wanting to risk losing It.
Isaac saw it now and pulled at my shoulders, "Tay, why are you bleeding? Stand up..."
"Go away, go away." I cried.
"Taylor." He said firmly, sounding like my father, "Taylor, stand up... and face me."
Weak to the tone in his voice, I gave up resisting, and I stood. My knees were shaky and water flowed off of my body. I turned to face him. The blood began to rush quickly down my legs, and little droplets plopped into the partially filled tub.
My ribs bearing and my stomach a mess of dripping red, I was vulnerable. I was open to him, standing naked and bleeding before his eyes. I saw his expression falter and he turned away. Away from my frail nakedness. His lips moved as if trying to form words in his head, but nothing came out. I understood when he left the room without a sound. I understood, but I felt lonely - rejected.
I drained the tub and ran the shower - allowing the water to wash the blood away. To wash away the filth. I walked back to my room, placing the blade I had in my hand back in its box. Safe. The letters were shining red with blood again and I smeared the word with my hand. I stared at myself in the mirror - never before had I seen myself so sick. So hollow. So lost. So broken.
I noticed my camera. I had taken an interest in photography as a teenager, and used my camera often to capture moments words couldn't. And there it was... sitting on my dresser and with further inspection I noticed I had half a roll of film left. I grabbed it and put the automatic timer on - focusing it for an area by my bedpost. I stood away from it and it snapped away at my bare body. It rewound itself and I quickly forgot about the film and crawled into bed. Red blood smeared on the sheets but I didn't care.
I awoke the next morning and took my film straight to the one hour developing place down the road. I slipped away with the pictures safe in my hand.
Black and white prints of my brothers littered the first portion of the pile. I had forgotten about those pictures - my heart made me miss him when I saw that smiling face again. I flipped beyond and saw the pictures of me. My face was not shown in any of the pictures, it was either turned down, away, or cut off all together. I liked it like that. The graphic detail of my bony skin and the gray trails of blood traveling over my stomach intrigued me. It made me feel powerful to see pictures of me in so much pain. To see myself so vulnerable... so open... so hurt. It was scary, yet appealing at the same time.
I pushed the pictures back into the package. I felt weak all over... and hungry. I walked down the hallway and passed the bathroom, staring in at the toilet. No. Not today. I was going to eat lunch today.
I stepped into the kitchen and filled up a pot with water and put it on the burner to boil. That's when Isaac walked in.
He didn't say anything to me at first, looking as if he didn't know what to say, even if he wanted to. But then he noticed I was cooking, and this pleased expression washed over his face, "Are you eating?" He said.
"Yes." I said softly, not sure how to talk to him, either.
"You feel like shit?" He said, voice hinting at anger.
"Ike..." I said, "Don't give me this." The water boiled and I poured noodles in, setting the timer.
"I'll give you what you fucking deserve." He said, "You... you HAVE to stop this, Taylor! You have to stop! You're going to die." He seemed weak, and I noticed his eyes were puffy and dark. He looked concerned, he looked vulnerable, he looked confused, "I... Can't watch you kill yourself like this. I can't let you do that, Tay. I love you too much."
I stirred the noodles around in the pot, and I saw him start to walk away out of the corner of my eye, "Stop trying to hide from me, Isaac." I said.
He stopped and placed his hands on his hips, wiping his eye with a sniff. And for the first time, Isaac let me see him falter... get upset. He let me see him get overwhelmed with emotion and cry, and shiver. Isaac, the older brother who always tried to be brave for me - for the family, was letting me see him push his pride aside. He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands, and began to sob, loudly. I strained the noodles and went over to him. I immediately began to feel horrible, and guilty.
"It's okay, Isaac. We're brothers remember? I'm here for you too."
His shoulders shivered, and he was shaking his head, "No... no... I need to be more supportive - I need to stop reprimanding you and start acting like a brother. I just can't see you like that... skin and bones and blood. It's horrible Taylor, you don't even know. It hurts so much to see someone I love so much in such pain. Why didn't you come to me? Why were you screaming?"
I didn't answer him, there was no way I could tell him about the visions I saw before my eyes, and forgot seconds later. He had no clue what I had seen that day, or what happened. All he knew was that she was dead, and he had to pick me up at a mental institution in town. I couldn't tell him the things haunting me, the things I did not understand, words could not fit the emotions coursing through me - day to day.
"Tay?" Isaac had looked up with teary eyes at me, questioning my silence, "Are you alright? You look a little pale..."
I shook my head and broke out of my trance, "No, I'm fine... Want some Mac'N'Cheese?"
"Tay," He started, "What happened?"
"What happened when?" I said, mixing the cheese and the butter together in the pan.
"What happened to Annissa?" He said.
I frowned and shook my head, I didn't want to talk about this. I forced my throat open with words - "You know... she... well you know." They came out so weak.
"Yeah, I know... but why are YOU tied in. What happened? Why were you at her place? Why were you at the hospital?"
I shook my head, "I... I don't know." I concentrated on stirring the macaroni in the pot, as the vision went before me. How I walked down the hallways, calling in all the doors, and that song. It echoed through my head, through the hallways, and in the room now. I go through all this.... I go through all this... It was like a tape that got stuck in the player. Everything replaying and replaying over and over. Her letter, and everything that made no sense, anymore. I got to the point where I turned in the bathroom, and I approached the tub. That was when I was screaming again. I dropped the pan on the counter stepped away running into the refrigerator behind me. I sank to the floor, in screams and sobs. I opened my eyes wide to the bright sunlight of the room and Isaac was standing over me trying to calm me down again.
"Tay, what is it?" He said as my sobs began to subside slightly, "What IS it!? What makes you go into fits like this!? What happened?"
I saw Isaac but I was still in the bathroom with her. I was still in hysterics, and I began to scream and writhe again, "Help! Help!" The only word I remembered how to say, "Help! Help... Help! Help!"
And that was the last thing I remember doing for the next few hours. Isaac told me later that I had gone into some sort of half conscious state after the screaming subsided. He said that I had started to mumble nonsense, and he couldn't get me out of it. I recited poems, lyrics to songs he recognized, and what he said sounded like pieces of conversations. It was all jumbled. Everything mixed together. He was holding me, and he never called the hospital. He told me he'd never seen a pair of eyes fade to white like that. I was a ghost.
"Taylor! Taylor..." Isaac was trying to stop me - to wake me from my state, "Taylor, are you all right? Please be alright."
I began to cry, taking short breaths, and shivering all over, "I'm okay... I'm okay now." I said. I didn't understand what had happened, and I couldn't remember it anymore. I couldn't remember the visions I kept seeing after I saw them. Like a dream when you wake up in the morning - it's gone. Every now and then a glint, or a flash of blood and flesh - but the memories were fading quickly. I could hear the music, and I could see the blood dripping from the tub, but I couldn't remember how I got there, or what happened after.
Isaac looked up a psychiatrist, and made an appointment for the following Friday.
"First step." He said to me, "You need to get help."
So I asked a stupid question
Was that such a sin?
Could anything else be expected of me
In the fragile state that I'm in?
Look at you wash your hands of this affair
Look at me, sweetheart, tell me you don't care
You won't even try
But now that it's all but good-bye
I won't let any self-pity in
Baby, I know very well...
I'm nobody's fool
Though your arms were worth believing
I'm nobody's fool
Your honesty was so deceiving
Among the sighs and kisses
There were no promises - no sacred vow
Except the one we're breaking now
And if it was mere compassion
I saw in your brilliant eyes
If it wasn't all that this poet fashioned
I apologize
There you are telling me I'll be all right
Here I am bleeding - too beat up to fight
I'm down on my knees
Brought to cliched gestures like these
I'll try to stand up steady now
Baby, just show me the door
I'm nobody's fool
Though your arms were worth believing
I'm nobody's fool
This punch line isn't worth repeating
Each tortured tender word
Savage game and feigned indifference
It's your darkness, darling, I will miss
When you're over me
The grandeur of this mistake
Is more than my heart can take
But as a rule
Fate is never less than cruel
And I'm nobody's fool
-Lee Adams "Nobody's Fool"