A balding man came opened his door and called my name. I followed him in the room, pulling Isaac in after me. I wasn't comfortable, and I wasn't going to allow him to be comfortable.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Conner." He said, sticking out a bony hand. I took it and nodded my head, slowly. "Please sit down and make yourself comfortable." He motioned over to the couch where Isaac and I took a seat.
I looked at my feet and the balding man was clicking his pen, "So, you must be Isaac - the one I spoke with, am I right?"
"Yes."
He flipped through pages on his clipboard. They always had clipboards. And forms. Stupid fucking forms.
"Lets see here... Taylor, Taylor..." His eyes skimmed the pages, "Have you been to a doctor before?"
"Yes." I said, bitterly. Too many.
"Are you on any medications?"
I thought about the Valium. My prescription was running out. "No."
"Your brother called - said he was worried about you." He said, "That's why you're here today. Do you have anything you would like to say?"
Silence. The bald man nodded and scribbled on his clipboard. I wondered if he actually was writing anything. Isaac shifted in his seat, I looked at him and his eyes pleaded with me.
"It says here you've had trouble with substance abuse in the past - is this still a problem?"
Silence.
His eyes averted to Isaac, whose eyes turned to mine. Isaac remained silent.
"Your brother said you were having panic attacks, and also mentioned some deaths in the family - what happened?"
"My brother died." I said quietly, "And my girlfriend."
"When did this happen?"
"My brother died in February, and my girlfriend last week."
"How did you react to these deaths?"
Silence.
"How was your relationship with your brother?"
Silence. Shuffling. I noticed the lines on the carpet.
"You're going to have to answer me eventually if you want treatment, Taylor."
"I don't want treatment." I mumbled, "I'm fine."
"Your brother obviously doesn't think so."
"I can't help that."
"Why do you think your brother would take you here?"
"Because he thinks I'm fucked up, like you do, and everyone else does. And I'm going to end up in an asylum anyway, so why don't you just fucking skip the middle man."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because..." I tried to think of a logical answer beside 'That's probably where I belong.' But I couldn't, so I stayed silent.
"Have you been to a Mental Health Facility?"
"Yes, twice."
"Why?"
"Drug overdose..." I muttered, "And then they took me there after my girlfriend died."
"How did your girlfriend die?"
Silence.
"Do you think your problems are linked back to her death?"
Silence.
"How did she die?"
I stuttered, "Suicide."
He nodded and wrote on his clipboard. "What happened? Do you know why she did it?"
I nodded.
"Why?"
Silence.
"When did you start having panic attacks?"
"Recently."
"Do you think they're related to recent events?"
Nod.
"What happens, from your point of view, when these attacks come on?"
"I don't know." I said, "I go into a flashback."
He nodded, scratching his baldhead, "What do you see in the flashback?"
"I don't know."
"Think, Taylor."
I thought, then I shook my head. No.
"What do you see?"
"Nothing," I lied. Nausea swept the back of my throat and fear was in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't remember what I saw, but I could feel the fear build up - and I knew that it was my doom. I shifted uncomfortably in the chair and looked down at the floor again, noticing the lines beginning to take on a different pattern. I recognized it as the pattern of her bed sheets and I thought of her father. That wretched, evil man. I thought of what he did to her, and what he did to me, and I clenched my fists.
"What are you thinking?" The voice cut through, obviously noting my body language. Jesus this guy was like a nosy friend. I checked the clock. Fifteen minutes.
"I was thinking..." I paused, "I was thinking that it's time for me to leave."
"Taylor," Baldy tried to say calmly, but I could see right through him. "Sit down."
"I'm not fucking crazy - and if you're going to write on that fucking pad for me to go to LA's nearest institution you're just another sick fuck like the rest of them!"
"I never accused you of being crazy! Sit down, if this isn't working out for you I can..."
I opened the door and tromped down the hallway and out of the office. I sat in Isaac's car and waited. It was quite a while before he returned.
"What the fuck was that?"
"Fuck off," I said, "I hate this shit and you KNOW that! I'm sick of fucking therapy. I don't need a shrink."
"Tay - I hate to break it to you..."
"I don't need a fucking shrink!" I interrupted.
"Fine." He said, bitterly, "Then eat. Then sleep at night. Then stop throwing up. Then stop having panic attacks!"
"I'm fine." I said, "I'm fucking fine, lets just GO home!"
He sighed, obviously pissed off, and we drove home. A box lay on our doorstep when I walked in, addressed to me. It was from home, and I didn't know what Mom and Dad would be sending me. I picked it up and threw it on the kitchen counter, assuming it was something I forgot from home and could open it later.
I quickly went into the bathroom and popped my last few Valium in my mouth. Isaac stepped in the doorway as I gulped down a glass of water. "Tay, why'd you do that? I got you help... What you need was right there in your grasp - why didn't you talk to him?"
I swallowed, "I don't want therapy Isaac, I can deal with this on my own, okay? Just like you dealt with Zac, and I am dealing with Zac. I'll be perfectly fine." I started to head down the hallway and felt the drug's lagging effects. "I'm going to sleep, now."
He shook his head, "Tay, I'm so worried about you..."
He sounded far off as I shut the door to my bedroom and lay down on the bed. Everything was growing quiet and the clock's ticking slowed. I closed my eyes and my arm fell limply against the sheets. I passed out within minutes and didn't wake again until late that night.
I heard the soft sounds of a guitar down the hallway. And voices, soft singing voices - familiar, comforting sounds. I emerged from my room and followed the sound to the den area. Isaac was sitting with his guitar, singing to Alexis - who was looking on with a smile.
"Where's Zac?" I asked. The question left my lips before I even knew I was speaking. I was immediately reminded of something Ani had told me once. Sometimes you'll wake up, thinking everything's normal again... and it's not. I caught myself, but it was too late, they had already heard what I said. A blush rose to my cheeks, and I felt stupid for thinking such a thing - that things were okay again - even if for a second. How could I have forgotten with this hollowed out skeleton body?
Isaac stopped playing his guitar and looked at me blankly for a second. "Tay..."
I shook my head and sighed, "I know... I... I know."
They both looked away from me and resumed what had been going on before, Isaac singing some song I had never heard. I assumed it was one of the many he had been working on. Isaac had probably written a hundred songs in the past few months - and I had barely gotten to a piano. He looked over at me and I was fiddling about the kitchen, getting a glass of water. "Hey, you got mail today," He said, nodding his head in the direction of the counter, where the package I had seen earlier lay. I nodded and grabbed it, now curious what was hidden within the box. When I opened the wrapping I found a note from my parents.
"Hey Tay - The police delivered this box and said they thought it was for you. Please call us and take care!
Love, Mom and Dad."
I looked at the box and saw it labeled with sloppy handwriting "Taylor's Box." I found it somewhat odd that I received this. She must have known. She must have been planning.
I opened the box and looked slowly through the contents. There was a note on top, "For Taylor. I saved you some things. This is us. Our memories - everything I could find. I love you, even if you eventually stop loving me. Annissa." I was puzzled, and tears sprung to my eyes. No, it was too soon. It was so surreal to me - I couldn't cope with her... her being out of my life... forever. I couldn't believe the nightmare was real, or maybe it wasn't? My mind wasn't making the connection.
I picked through the contents of the box. A digital camera, a video tape, a binder full of paper doodles, letters, and poetry - all of her albums (plus a few she borrowed from me), and a small box taped shut and wedged in the bottom. I picked it up and opened it - the first thing I saw was a glint of silver - a necklace I gave her, but underneath were things of darker matter. Drugs; Cocaine mostly. She picked the most highly addictive drug to leave behind to me. I was in and out of it with coke - but lately, the high hadn't seemed quite as glamourous as the emaciated body. I sighed within myself, not knowing what to do about it. It was a battle with drugs, the addiction, and myself. I closed the box quickly before Isaac looked up and saw what I had at the tips of my fingers.
"What is that?" He said, eventually. I jumped up startled, afraid he had seen the drugs, but panic eased when I saw a curious look on his face, rather than an angry, knowing look.
"Some stuff from A..." I trailed off and picked up the digital camera, suddenly noticing it. I turned it on and began to flip through the pictures that had been saved on it. They were pictures of us - the ones I never thought I'd have. I grabbed the box and brought it to my bedroom where I could lay down and cry in private. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept loneliness, and the horrors of what I had seen. The full impact of what had happened was settling in my open wounds. I was torn up inside.
Tears flooded down my cheeks, and I cried, for the first time seeing that she was gone forever, and that it wasn't all just some horrible hallucination or nightmare that haunted me. It was real, as real as the hair on my head.
I sat up and wiped my tears, peering in the box again, this time I noticed the tape. I picked up. It had no label, curious. I stood and pushed it into my TV/VCR, rewinding the tape before I sat down and pushed the play button on the remote. I watched with interest as a scene appeared on the screen.
I was snorting lines of coke, and she walked on screen. "Hey Tay, smile, you're on candid camera!"
I smiled and pulled her into my arms, "Am I? Here." I handed her the straw I held in my hand, and she accepted, snorting the remaining lines. I mumbled something on the film that I couldn't make out and she sat up.
"Tay, baby, don't be so sad." I noticed The Strokes playing in the background.
"I'm not sad when I'm with you..." And we kissed.
And kissing led to groping, and pretty soon we were unclothed and fucking. "Never leave me alone." I whispered on camera. I watched myself with interest - it seemed odd to me that I couldn't hear the soft things we exchanged but "Never leave me alone." was ringing in my head. Watching this was starting to get me somewhat hot and bothered, it's a weird sensation - watching yourself have sex. Why didn't I remember having a video of something like this?
We pulled apart and both lit cigarettes. She leaned against me and kissed my neck softly, and I noticed I was touching my chest self-consciously. She swatted my hand and said, "Stop it, I love you just the way you are."
I nodded, then after another minute I slumped over. It appeared that I had passed out, and she started to cry and shake her head.
"Why am I letting him do this?" She took my cigarette and put it out. She pushed me into a more comfortable looking position and lay down beside me, running her fingers over my skin as she sobbed softly. "I love you." She said. "I love you..."
The tape cut off and a scene of me at our favorite spot by the cliff appeared. I was sitting on a rock, smiling.
"This is Taylor." Her voice said, and I smiled on screen, "This is Taylor's finger. Watch Taylor's finger dance."
My finger became the main focus of the screen - a smiley face was drawn on the tip of my finger, and it laughed as I moved it around and there were stupid giggles in the background. I assumed we were tripping or something when this was shot, otherwise this would have never been so amusing. I was almost starting to smile until the scene got cut off abruptly.
This time it was just Ani, and she was crying. I noticed Hyper ballad playing in the background. The song made me want to cover my ears, but then she started to speak and murmur.
"I'm sorry Taylor... I leave this to you - you're all I have. You're all I have and I fucked it up." She was cutting her arms with something hidden in the palm of her hands, "You're my everything... I'm counting them now Taylor... I can't go on... I wish it could work... I wish... I wish it could work, but it can't... I messed up. I love you... I love you..."
And I watched her empty bottles of pills on pour them all over the sink, picking them up, swallowing one by one, until she eventually decided to turn off the camera. The blue screen shown casting a sad blue glow upon the room.
A hysterical feeling washed over my body and I was screaming before I even consciously recognized what I was doing. Suddenly it was all flooding in, again, and I couldn't stop the nightmare. Over and over it rolled its filmstrips. Vivid imagery of a time and a place.
"Taylor! Taylor!" Isaac was shouting at me and holding me down, anything to keep me still, my whole body was convulsing and shaking violently. "Taylor! Calm down! What just happened?!"
I couldn't speak or gather my thoughts. My lip was trembling and the only thing in my head was that song. I started writhing and trying to get away, as if it were in the room right now, as if I could block it out or turn the volume off. It was haunting me.
"Taylor, speak to me..." Isaac said, "Please, calm down, please. It's okay, I'm here..."
I couldn't reply, I kept hearing the words to the song. I couldn't get away from them, they were all around me, surrounding me, torturing me... closing in. The words remained in my head when I screamed - they were there - they were everywhere. The only way was out, and I started to sing them, my tone pained, and it sounded almost like an insane murmur as I rolled my head around and sang the verses.
"I go through all this, before you wake up - So I can feel happier to be safe again with you..." My whole soul was swelling and stretching and fighting. My insides were piercing my heart and I couldn't see anymore.
"Tay, what are you singing?"
"...back at my cliff... still throwing things off."
"Tay?" The voice was barely getting through - it seemed miles away, and I kept hearing the dripping. I rolled my head around on my shoulders and my body began to quiver with intensity, I was overcome, and I couldn't stop the nightmare now.
"And I wonder what my body would sound like... slamming against those rocks." My voice was now a soulful, sorrowful, painful beast. I never thought my own voice would drive me as crazy as it was then, I just wanted to shut up, but I couldn't control it - the song was screaming at me. "And when it lands - will my eyes be closed or opened?" And like that my eyes were opened and I flew up to a sitting position. I was screaming again, my body soaking with sweat and filled with terror. I was reliving it, and the line went over and over in my head. Will my eyes be closed or opened? All I could see were repetitive visions of her in the bathtub. I tore my hair and screamed.
"I feel sick. I...will get sick." I bolted out of the room and retched violently into the toilet, seeing my fear... watching it flush away. I sat in the middle of the floor of the bathroom, shivering and weak. Cold chills ran through my body, and some final tears were sliding down my cheeks. I sat perfectly still curled up in my ball and listened to the pounding of my heart.
Isaac stepped in and wiped hair out of my face, "Are you alright?" He asked. I could see the worry in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't thinking about insanity, psycho doctors and medications then. I knew he really cared.
I nodded my head, indicating the spell was over. Isaac helped me to my feet, and with much effort I walked back to my bedroom. My knees were weak and jittery and tears kept spilling involuntarily from my eyes. I was more scared than sad, I had no clue how to cope with what had just happened to me - it was something I didn't want to experience again.
I sat on the edge of my bed and shakily accepted a glass from Alexis.
...Alexis.
It had just occurred to me that she had been there to see my whole fit. I felt ashamed and almost scared - like I had fucked something up - or revealed a part of myself I didn't want her to see.
"Are you alright?" Isaac said, rubbing my shoulders in a comforting manner, and I felt my body relaxing... muscles releasing their hard tension. I took deep breaths and my body felt weaker and weaker as I relaxed.
I put my glass down, and leaned into Isaac, hugging him, "Save me from it..." I said.
"What is it? What's happening to you?" His voice was wavering.
"I'm going crazy." I said, numbness all over my body, instead of sorrow and pain, "I can't control my emotions anymore... I'm numb one second and overwhelmed in pain the next..."
"I'm so worried about you Taylor... I'm so scared of what's happening to you..." He said, "Please... Please, you need to get help... you're killing yourself. I love you too much to let you do this... I can't watch this anymore, I can't watch you be in so much pain it makes you scream..."
"I'm not going away. I'm not leaving home... I'm fine alone. I don't need to be saved."
He pulled back and looked at me. He wanted to say something, but he held himself back, and instead told me to change my clothes. I waited till he and Alexis both left the room and changed into a clean set of clothes. I stumbled down the hallway, dizzy and weak and sat down on the couch by Isaac and Alexis, who were giving each other looks of fear and worry.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry... I totally ruined the vibes of this evening. Al probably thinks I'm a total fuck-up now." I mumbled.
"Tay," She piped, "Don't feel bad about it - whatever it is is something serious... It's not like you came in here whining... You're like a brother, remember? I want to be here for you, like a sister."
"Alex - don't worry about me," I said, "Please don't... You've got the baby... and school... I'm not worth the time."
She shook her head, "Well, I think Isaac and I are both very concerned, and we're here for you - alright? I'm not going to leave you behind in the rain if you need someone to talk to."
"I don't need to talk... I don't need anything... I'm... I'm fine. I'm just not very good at coping..."
"Tay, I've known you for years..." She started, "I know when you're not fine, and you are NOT fine. If Zac were alive..."
"Zac's not alive!" I screamed, "I don't want to know... if he ever saw me..." I trailed off and shivered. Isaac looked shocked.
She looked as if she was about to cry, and... did. "Oh geez," I said, "Al... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell..."
"No, its fine," She said, "Its just hormones... this stuff happens all of the time."
I nodded. I felt silly to say that stuff like that happened to me all of the time, as well. Because I wasn't a five-month-pregnant hormonally imbalanced woman who just lost her boyfriend, the father of her child. I was a somewhat heterosexual male who couldn't cope. That was my fault.
We had some small talk and said our goodbyes. Alexis drove herself home. Isaac helped me stand, and with teary eyes I asked him if there was any chance I could take a shower by myself tonight.
"Not if you can't stand up."
"Will you..."
He shook his head, "Tay, I can't... Get some sleep tonight, tomorrow morning maybe you'll feel better and you can take one then."
I nodded and turned into my room, and shut the door. I took off my clothes and opened a window. I lay down in bed, letting the warm summer air drift over my naked body, and if I listened carefully I could hear Isaac crying in the other room. I wanted to go and comfort him... he cried every time my back was turned, I could hear him in the shower in Tulsa, and when I came home from days spent with Annissa I saw the redness in his eyes. I could hear him sobbing now, as I lay in my bed in my Los Angeles apartment. I was naked, weak, and lonely... I ran my hands through my stringy hair and a clump of hair came out between my fingers. I sighed softly to myself and closed my eyes, drifting into an eventual sleep.