Every night I woke up panicked and threw up into my lap. Someone would always hear my screams, and wear a look of disappointment on their face as the bile spilled from my lips. They would reach to me and I'd push them away crawling out of my bed and almost always stumbling into the floor. They would strap me to a bed, feed me sedatives and stick tubes in my arms that forced nutrients into my system. When I was calm they'd do nothing with me, but wait until the doctor returned in the morning.
I walked to his office, so drugged up I usually collapsed on his couch, and an IV would follow me until breakfast.
"Have you been taking your medications, Taylor?"
"I don't fucking know... I can't even think straight. I sure know I've been taking these medications."
My insides wanted out, and I didn't know what to do - how was I supposed to let them free? The only way I could see was physically - but physical illness made the demons stronger. The weaker my body, the stronger the demons - the harsher the nightmares.
The dreams were never so frequent before... and I didn't understand why they were coming so often now. My weight was beginning to falter and I almost began to fall into a state similar to the one that inhabited me when I came into this place. Some nights I wouldn't sleep at all - to hide from the dreams, but then the dreams would attack me while I was awake. I was withdrawn. I was sick, and once again, I had stopped speaking. I had nothing to say, no reason to tell, and not enough strength to vocalize it.
But I didn't ever forget what my mom told me - to keep singing. I kept singing... I kept listening to music, and if anything kept me grounded... it was that. I only felt normal when I was laying on the bed singing softly along with my Discman.
I had lost my emotions. I didn't cry, anymore. If I felt anything, it was terror. Everything began to pass me by. After the first night, when Mike tried to ask me how I felt, I only stared at him, and I kept staring for hours. I walked with my head down, and ate only with help. I saw Annissa around the corners, in the bathrooms, hidden in paintings on the walls. I stopped going to the showers when I saw her laying dead and naked beneath the running water. I went into a panic, and The Stripe had to drag me out screaming and wet. Someone tied me down, and pills were poured into my mouth, and I was off to sleep in no time.
The therapy seemed to be helping me less, and I felt weaker as the days passed... and all I could think about was my family... and how I wanted to go home - to Isaac, to Alexis... to my Mom and Dad... to my younger siblings. I wanted to be safe with them. I wanted to talk to them.
When Alexis visited next, Isaac was not with her.
"Where is he?" I asked, my voice was harsh and gruff like that of a smoker's - tone barely existed. I hadn't spoken aloud to anyone until she was there, I was so desperate for the presence of someone I loved that I forced it. Maybe with Alex around, I might have words to say.
"He couldn't come today, Tay..." She was speaking to me like a child. Did I look like a child?
"Why? Why not?"
"He's got the flu... he really isn't feeling well... he said to say hello..."
She followed me when I tried to walk away from her. I had had enough. Everyone was giving up.
"Oh, Taylor - stop this please. I'm not lying to you."
I turned and stared at her. Lying to me? What did it matter? My own brother didn't want to see me. It didn't matter if she was lying or not.
"Where..." She asked, "Where have you gone to - Taylor? I don't... I can't even recognize you anymore... what's happened to the old you?"
I cornered her, "Don't ask me these things... Don't ask me until you, yourself know what it's like to be afraid of closing your eyes. What it's like to be afraid to keep them open - because I can't tell the difference between a dream and fucking reality. You know why? Because I... HAVEN'T... SEEN... A... NORMAL... PERSON... FOR... TWO... FUCKING... MONTHS."
"Taylor..." She started.
"Fuck you! You don't know what I've been through..."
"Oh pity me!" She sneered, "I'm a little pansy. Pity me. I'm going to die in a fucking asylum because I don't feel like taking care of myself!" She was mocking me.
"Fuck you!" I wanted to push her out the window.
"Why have you given up?"
"I haven't. I'm just not responding to the treatments... I'm just going crazy being here... I wish they would let me leave."
"You can stop whispering like that, you know!" I didn't know how to tell her that I wasn't. She paced a little bit, and looked - for a second - truly upset. Her eyebrows creased as if she were about to cry, and then she began to sing. "I started feeling like I don't want to fight, give in to the given, and put out the light." She waited for a response. "You're starving, eating your own fucking words."
I shrunk, she was making me weaker, "Shut up..." I spat.
"They're your words!" She pointed, "Your words."
"I'm not the person I was then..." I was wavering and everything was spinning.
"You're weak is what you are!" Alexis was hard. "Crying now? You can't hide your face!"
"I'm crying?" I reached up and I felt the tears on my cheeks. I sank to the floor, and watched as the tears gathered on the floor in front of me. I wanted to hide... my heart began pounding in my chest. "No - No. Get away..."
"They're your words! Stop it! Stop ignoring it... You wrote it... You... You fucking... You're giving in!" She pushed me, "Don't give in!" Her hard exterior was melting, and there were tears in her voice, "Don't give in... I need you... I can't see this..."
My hands circled softly around her tummy, which had been growing large with the life she was bearing inside. "This child will never know its father." She sighed softly, sad now, "I wish I could kick my stomach in sometimes..." She began crying on my shoulder, "It's not fair... he's gone... it's not fair."
Touching her right then suddenly made me feel something new - made me feel like there was a reason I had to leave, a reason to get better. I had a moment of clarity among all of the dizziness and hallucinations. I brought a CD to therapy that evening.
"What is this?"
"Bjork... Post." I said, "Track two is Hyper Ballad."
"Do you want me to play it?"
"I'm ready..." I blinked my eyes, and I almost could see myself right then. No hair, and sunken eyes... and a mannerism that screamed insomnia in your face. I passed out at random times, but couldn't sleep at night... my head was dragging.
He placed the CD in his computer player and turned up the volume for track two. I immediately began to shrink to the sound, but I tried to keep myself contained. My mouth was sealed shut while images flashed in my mind.
"Talk, Taylor..."
"I can't." The words were forced.
"Where did you last hear this song? What was happening?"
I made a short yelp then whimpered, "I..." I forced myself, "I need help..."
"Help? Why do you need help? What's happening?"
Outside of myself, I understood what happened then - looking back is always easier. But at the time, I was surrounded by the memory... reliving the hallways... the empty rooms... the telephone call. I kept talking, but my voice didn't seem to be carrying, I couldn't hear a word I was saying... but everything seemed all right when I woke up. I had passed out after my trance... after I had told everything I didn't know I knew.
The next day they changed my medication... The nightmares began fading in the days that followed... and I began to feel better. The Stripe - who had been at my side for my short episode - helped me come to terms. It was a mere three weeks of falling down, and leveling out. He told me that it sometimes happens like that... Sometimes you fall into a pit before you can get better.
"Why weren't the meds working?"
He shrugged, "Perhaps you developed an immunity to them."
"Go fucking figure." I sighed. "I'm assuming that getting off the drugs makes things worse - right? So that's they were so intense? Will I develop an immunity to this and start all over?"
"I doubt it. They gave you a much less harmful drug this time - You just need to work on staying levelheaded, okay? Then one day you won't need meds... you'll be all right then."
"So tell me..." I said, "How did you end up here?"
"I work here..."
"I know that, you idiot... but why an institution?"
"I don't know," He said, "They always say that the doctors and workers in these places aren't entirely sane either - which is probably true... I've been treated for a few disorders - depression and whatnot... but I guess... I've always wanted to help people. I don't know... There's something satisfying about knowing you helped save someone. How'd you end up in the music biz?"
"Always did it..." I shrugged, "It just seemed the natural decision. Music is the only thing I know how to do right."
"Then sing me a song... something you wrote."
"Well... I don't know..." I shrugged and looked around the table. We were at lunch with everyone in the group. I kind of didn't want to make a spectacle of myself. I blushed and took a bite from my sandwich. "I'm eating, see."
"Sing MmmBop."
"No. I'm not singing Mmmbop..."
"Well, why the hell not?"
I leaned in, "You think you've heard the song a lot. You didn't have to sing it day and night for EIGHT years."
"Wow, that's enough to drive anyone crazy." He fiddled, "Okay... so Mmmbop's out of the question. I don't really know your music, sorry bro. You choose something."
I huffed, and whined, "Do I have to? Everyone's going to watch me..."
"You're a fucking performer... don't tell me you're getting all stage-frighty about it."
"I don't have my brothers... and it's out of place..."
"Shut up, boy. You're singing a song... Hey everybody!" He called everyone's attention, "Hanson's going to sing for us... Listen up!"
I blushed, "I haven't warmed up..." There was no way out of it then... everyone was watching me... and I had to do something. So I stood... and I scanned everyone's eyes nervously. I took a breath in feeling my stomach push out - and I hoped I still had the breath to support my voice like I used to.
I hummed a note - but no one had a chord to follow, so I felt silly. I wanted to sing something that would sound all right void of the two voices... but nothing came to my mind. I stalled and began blushing furiously. This was supposed to be easy. "I'm sorry..." I said.
"Don't give up, Hanson..." The Stripe persisted, "Sing anything... You know - like... like..." Mike leaned over and said something in his ear, "Never Let Go...?"
I felt uneasy, how did Mike know that song, anyway? "Well... It's kind of silly without the other two voices... I mean... there's no har..."
"Fucking sing for Christ's sake! Stop whining about it!"
I blushed again, "Okay... 'Never Let Go' it is..." My talking voice was weak - how was my singing voice supposed to be strong? I took a deep breath, expecting a reflection of my talking voice, but instead came a sound that vibrated in my chest and boomed in my ears.
"Just lay down, and let your worries sleep. Don't think now, the water's dark and deep. 'Cause you know, that I love you and never let go. And you know, that I love you forever, I love you and never let go. Yes, I love you and never let go." My voice echoed through the silent cafeteria, and for a few seconds I felt like me again. Someone told me to continue, so I did. I thought of Alex as I sang the lines to a love song I had written years ago, I thought about what she told me. "You don't have to ask me, 'Do I love you?' As I hold you it shows how much I do. I'm your's until forever is through. Everytime I stand before you, you know I'd lay my life down for you. I never let, no I never let go. Just lay down, put those worried thoughts to bed. As slumber pulls you down, on my shoulder rest your head."
My voice silenced after the last chorus and I was followed by applause. I sat down quickly - a dizzy light-headed feeling came over me. "Thank you." I managed to say - my voice was raspy. I held my head and coughed slightly, "I probably shouldn't smoke so much. God..."
"Tay..." The Stripe urged, "You have a very strong voice. I know that deep down, your spirit once reflected that. You aren't completely broken."
"How do you know so much...?" I muttered.
"Because the entire world watched you grow up... and I've seen it in your time in here. Tay - I've seen a lot of people come in and out of this place... and trust me... you can tell whose really lost it and who hasn't. Every once in a while I'll see it in you - and I saw it in you just now... You're not a hopeless case. I'm trying to help you, not trying to force you back into something painful."
I ate my sandwich slowly and didn't speak to him for the rest of the meal. I didn't like people seeing me... was I that transparent? I hid my eyes by averting them.
I didn't speak in group either... I just ran my finger over the burn on my forearm... repeating it in my head. Tay love Ani. Tay love Ani. Tay love Ani. Tay love Ani.
Oh, Taylor... why won't you look at anyone, anymore? What's been eating you, Taylor... you're skin and bones. What happened to your spirit, Tay? What happened to your dreams? Is it true that you've done it all... that you've had it with flashy lights and cover pages?
Perhaps, I've had it with myself.
I put on one of my moods in therapy, and acted bratty. I hated coming off like a total brat, but to me - it seemed there was no other choice but to resist, and cry about it in the process.
"Taylor, you've made a lot of progress in the last week... if you keep it up you may be able to leave soon."
My head perked up at this, I looked questioningly at this man I only half trusted. "I've been talking with The Stripe... blah blabity blah." I stared at him, but every word droned on and on - I had heard it all before.
"Huh?" I said when I realized he was looking at me expectantly.
"I said - but the only way you're going to get out of here is if you talk." He sighed, "Listening would probably help too."
"I don't want to talk today." I said simply.
He nodded, "Then I'll talk... I'll talk about you, to you." He paused, "I heard about what happened at lunch today. I'm proud of you for standing up and doing that, you know... that was a courageous thing for you to do."
I shrugged. Courageous? It was supposed to be my job.
"I know you don't want Hanson to be involved with what happens here, and I understand that... but I think it would do a lot of good if you opened up to it and acknowledged your time in the band more often. I get the vibes that you try to ignore it most of the time. I know it's hard to not be around your brothers..."
I stood up. My brother... I only had a brother.
"Taylor...?"
I felt my numb haze drift off of me like coming out of a steamy bathroom. I turned on my heel down the hallway. Away from my doctor and into the bathroom - where I hid in the furthest corner... sat on the dirty floor, and cried. What a girl.
I didn't understand myself, anymore. So easily angered... emotions on the edge. I was used to being an overall emotional person - for your typical heterosexual male - but my emotions were a controlled beast, then. Those days in the hospital were different. There, my emotions ate me up, took over my mind, and used me.
The doctor had to leave his office to follow me. It was his job, perhaps - but I wished he didn't go out of his way.
"Taylor, what's on your mind?" He was so desperate to unveil the secret I wasn't keeping.
"My brother..." I stuttered, "You said - you said brothers and I only have a brother... Zac's gone..." I shook my head, "I'm acting stupid - this is such a stupid reason to cry."
"What's a stupid reason?"
I shrugged, "I blew up because you said the wrong thing." I wiped my eyes, "I don't need people walking on egg shells around me; I have no control anymore."
"Recognizing those things are all part of the healing process.."
"I think there are some things I should probably say..." I said, "All of the things that I tend to avoid."
"It's very easy to let your problems eat you alive - it takes courage to speak about it. Take your time, tell me when you're ready." My faceless friend reassured me.
"You'd think I'm crazy." Of course, that's why I'm here, isn't it? I didn't know if speaking about it would keep me there longer, or let me out sooner. My mind was always arguing about that.
"Tay..." He placed his hand on my shoulder, "You're in an institution... I've met people and heard elaborate stories of all kinds... I can assure you - I won't hold it against you. We're all human - everyone thinks things they wouldn't dare say. You don't have to tell me anything - but if you think it would help you to talk, then do it."
There was a long silence, and I sank in my corner in the last open stall next to a freshly cleaned toilet, sitting in dirt. "My dreams..." I finally said, "My nightmares are filled with monsters and demons. I'm with her in my dreams - sometimes she's alive, and sometimes she's dead in my arms... but she's always lying in her bathtub - summoning me... And... and... I go to her... and touch her, and kiss her. Her lips are cold though." The blue tiles on the floor came into focus and I realized I was talking in earshot of other people. "Can they hear this?"
"The doors are closed - I sent the monitor out... You're okay, go on..."
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, I didn't want to look him in the face as I talked about things I wasn't sure I'd have told Annissa. "I have sex with her, and she's dead in my arms. I fuck her corpse every night in my dreams. She looks so delicate, and... when I'm done her face melts away, she becomes something horrible. She ... she becomes some sort of monster and rips my heart right out from my chest - and I notice Zac standing in the doorway. He's always bitching at me about work... Always telling me I'm late... That all I do is fuck up. He doesn't even acknowledge Annissa - or the monster she has become... or the fact that my heart has been ripped out of my body." I pause for a choked up yelp, and held the hand of my doctor like a scared child.
"It's okay, Tay... I'm here... go on..."
I start to grow hysterical and take deep breaths to calm down before I speak again, "I notice... Annissa's body is rotting away... in my arms... I keep telling Zac - I'm busy... I'm busy... give me a few minutes... but he stands and watches anyway. He continues complaining - like nothing's happening. He keeps telling me to let it finish me off... Just go on and let it. And I tell him - no - no. I hear blood dripping... and Hyper Ballad playing in the background. Zac is in my arms, convulsing like he's having a seizure - his chest is heaving - he can't breath, and I can't do anything about it. He dies in my arms and I look at the monster... and... he closes his jaw... and I wake up." My voice sounded panicked, and I was frowning and crying desperately, clambering out of my corner to the toilet. I was pulled back and my mouth was covered.
"Taylor... no, you are not going to get sick. Calm down, shh..." My doctor was holding me, and showing affection - reassuring me that somebody loved me in this world, that I wasn't alone in a hospital... suffering, alone. Everyone was a part of my recovery - it was their's also. I was cranky and tired because I didn't eat. I was angry, upset, and scared, I pushed everyone out. Those things were my own doing.
Even though I could taste the bile in my mouth - I didn't throw up. He removed his hands from my mouth and let me sit back. I was stronger than that. I suddenly felt a strong need to be alive, and a reason not to flush away what I had left to live. "Alexis." I said, and perked up quickly. "I have to see her. I have to see Alexis..."
"Why this sudden desire to see Alexis?"
I stood up, "Because - I need to be there for her." I said simply, and the puzzle pieces began to connect again.