"Ike... do you realize that there's like three hundred dollars worth of illegal drugs laying on my bed right now?"
He shrugged, "No one saw it."
I panicked, "Yeah, well... could you get rid of it?! I'm trying to be sane here, and I just walked in and there's like... cocaine COVERING my room!"
"Well you left it there..." He shrugged and looked at me, I was desperate. "Alright, I'll deal with it - how do you suppose I'm going to get rid of it?"
"Sell it... flush it... I don't fucking care... Just keep it away from me."
"Okay, okay." He was acting so nonchalant about it, which surprised me. He handed me the telephone - "Call Mom and Dad and I'll deal with your mess."
Isaac disappeared into my room and I dialed home.
Hey Mom! I'm at home. Nope - Only weekends for now. You can visit me at the hospital, too, if you'd like. If all goes well I'll only have to go to get my medications and therapy in a few weeks. I love you too.
I was eating my dinner and Isaac came up to me with a guilty expression on his face. He sat down in front of me, "Hey Tay..."
"What's up?" I was a bit worried about what he was going to tell me - Isaac only wore the guilty face when he felt... well, guilty.
"I have a date tonight..." He fiddled, "I feel really bad cause you just got here... but she's coming over afterward. Why don't you go out with Alexis?" Translation: I'm going to have sex tonight, and I don't want you here to create diversions.
I was pissed off at his suggestion. I kind of wanted to spend my first night out of the hospital inside my house... taking a long shower with the curtain shut. Now he was kicking me out so he could fuck some girl. Lucky you, Isaac. "Where are we going to go?"
"I don't know... Go out to clubs, meet some people."
"Yeah, okay. A pregnant girl and a boy with a hospital bracelet - why don't I just stand on top of our building and shout 'Hey! It's Taylor Hanson - I'm insane... if you come any closer I'll probably kill you!'"
"Tay, it's not that bad! You're exaggerating!" He sighed, "You can stay if you want... but I just assumed you wouldn't want to be around, alright?"
"I'm going to call Alexis." I replied, stubbornly.
So we went to a club. A pregnant girl and a mental patient, hand in hand into hot rooms with flashing lights. We were like a walking health hazard. Alexis didn't want to dance, and quite frankly, I didn't either. Neither of us could drink and we began to wonder why we even came in the first place. With my thin face and lack of hair, I didn't think anyone would really recognize me - but being the lucky little fuck I am the first girl that sat next to me was a Hanson fan. Why-oh-why does this only happen to me and only me? Isaac and Zac rarely ever ran into fans in everyday situations (When I wasn't around, that is.)... but I apparently drew them toward me.. it was like I had invisible magnets all over my body and glowing signs that said "Hello, I am Taylor Hanson. Please talk to me."
She didn't recognize me at first, which I didn't expect. Hell, I wasn't expecting to run into a fan - but what was I thinking, anyway? There wasn't exactly an enormous populations of Hanson fans on earth - But about a quarter of them must have lived in L.A. - at the grocery store, at the mall, at every restaurant I went to... at the fucking post office! And only... I repeat - only when I happen to be within range do they approach or even notice.
"Hey, kid." The girl came and sat next to me at the bar, "You look like you could be having some more fun. Would you like a drink?"
I twirled the straw around in my glass of water, "Ah, no... I'm trying to stay sober." I said, "I'll buy you something, though."
"Sober and sitting around the bar? Okay, kid... whatever. I'll just have a beer."
"A beer it is." I swung around a few people and called over the bartender, "Can I just get a beer?"
"How old are you, kid?" I grew frustrated. Every time I went somewhere I was fucking carded! Did I really look seventeen!? I pulled out my driver's license.
"I'm twenty-two."
She squinted, "Are you sure this is you?"
"I'm positive. I'd show you my passport but it's at home."
"Okay... I believe you." She still looked skeptical, but handed back my driver's license with a beer, and I walked back to the girl.
"That was work." I sighed and handed her the beer. She took it and smiled politely, I noticed Alexis chatting it up with a couple on the other side of the bar. "So, what's your name?"
"Emily." She replied taking a gulp of alcohol. I lit up a cigarette.
"Ah, cool... I'm Taylor - nice to meet you." I took her hand and shook it, "You from around here?"
"I actually live a few blocks away."
"Oh really? I live like twenty minutes away. Everything in this city is fucking twenty minutes away."
She laughed, "Yep, that's L.A."
"So what brought you here, Mister I'm-sitting-alone-drinking-water-at-the-bar-and-not-dancing?"
"My brother wanted to invite a girl over, which is code for 'I'm having sex, please get the hell out' - so I called my friend Alexis up and we decided to meet people. I haven't been out in a long while. I suppose it's good for me."
She laughed, "Everyone comes to these places to get laid later, don't they?"
"Not me... at least, not tonight. I'm just wasting time, actually."
"That's cool - I'm alone tonight... let's waste time together. So where are you from originally?"
"Tulsa, Oklahoma - how about you?"
"Ocean City, Maryland." She laughed, "Far off. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Taylor Hanson?"
I tried not to laugh, and struggled to maintain a straight face, "No - not really. I don't really know how to take that."
"I don't know - you don't really look like him... I guess... just the eyes. Your face is a bit thinner." She paused, "But that's definitely a compliment. I had like the hugest crush on him a few years ago."
"Oh really? Have you ever met Hanson?"
"No - I saw them a whole load of times though."
"Really? Where?"
"Mostly places around Maryland/Virginia area... on their last tour I saw them in L.A... because, well... I lived in L.A. at that point. I traveled up to San Fran to see them there, too."
"Cool." I wondered how different I looked, and mostly - how long I could keep this going. "So you like Hanson a lot, I'm guessing?"
"Yep... Are you sure you don't want a drink... What's your name again?"
"Taylor."
"Taylor..." She looked at me again, "Are you--?"
I nodded slowly, "Taylor Hanson."
"Oh-my-god!" She squealed, "What happened to your hair? God, you look awful... Holy shit, I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to come out."
I smoked my cigarette with my other hand and hid my hospital bracelet underneath the table. I blushed furiously, "It's okay, I know how I look."
I my cigarette burned down and I shoved it in its respective ash tray.
"Wow - this is weird. Geez, what can I say...? Um... well, what's going on with Hanson?"
"Nothing... right now."
"Are you going to release anything... are you disbanding? I mean... what's going to happen? From a fan's point of view... we've really been left in the dark about all of that."
What was I supposed to say to her? That I didn't know... That the band hadn't even been touched for months? "I think we're going to release a CD... but I don't know what's happening after that. We need to get some things sorted out first - before anything happens. I'm sorry we haven't exactly been informative lately - but a lot has been going on for us the past few months. Nothing's really been moving forward on the Hanson front, though."
Alexis walked over to me and checked my watch, "It's like 12:30. Do you think Isaac's done fucking yet? 'Cause I want to jet... I have a craving for a Choco Taco."
"Well, if he's not now, he will be by the time we get a Choco Taco. Hey Emily - we're gonna get out of here... it was nice meeting you."
I held out my arm to shake her hand, and she took hold of my pink bracelet, "What're you in the hospital for?"
I pulled my arm away, "It was nice to meet you." I waved and turned away, walking hand in hand with Alexis out of the club.
We stopped at Taco Bell on the way home and I bought Alex a Choco Taco.
"Eat some, skinny." She said, pressing a piece of Choco Taco in my face.
"No thanks. I'm fine." I said, pushing it away. "Hey guess what? That girl I was talking to was a Hanson fan! I can't fucking avoid them... She didn't even recognize me until I told her!"
"Oh Tay - you fan-magnet."
"Hey - do I look under age? Every single time I buy a drink I get carded... I even got carded for cigarettes, once!"
"You definitely don't look too young to buy cigarettes... but I can see being sketchy about your age - especially now because you look so thin... it makes you look more like an orphaned child than a working adult."
I sighed softly, "Well, I guess tonight wasn't a bad night for my first night back in the real world. Kinda makes me want to go home, do lines, have sex and go to sleep like I used to."
She looked at me with a stern glare, "Taylor... stop thinking like that - that's behind you, okay?"
I laughed lightly, "I'm just joking. I hope we don't walk in on anything we don't want to see."
"I don't know..." She said curiously, "Isaac's not too bad looking."
I shook my head and laughed, "Well you've already seen me naked - I suppose Isaac's the only one left... eh?"
"I didn't look - so technically I didn't see you naked."
"You did too, liar."
"No - I saw you standing there and then I started barfing... You covered yourself before I got a chance to look - so there! I haven't seen you naked."
"Well that's good - because you wouldn't have wanted to see me then, anyway... or even now. Unless you think basket rib cage's are hot." I smiled slightly.
"What about watermelon belly's?"
"Hey---" I grinned, "I'll do anyone who sucks on my toes."
She glanced at me, and then shook her head in laughter, "You are the most fucked up person, ever."
"It's true... I told someone that one time - and every girl I met after that sucked on my toes. Groupies talk... man. It was great... I was like - holy shit, this is awesome, all this toe sucking! And most of the time they didn't care if my feet were in nasty smelly shoes all day or just out of the shower... Ah, man - those were the days."
"That is so gross! Oh, my god... feet are so icky!"
"Not my feet, my feet are hot!"
She shook her head, "It's one - I think we should head home now."
I agreed, and upon arrival at my place I noticed dim lights and cheesy music softly playing from the stereo. I turned to Alex and whispered, "Oh, my GOD. What a cheese ball."
The scene was complete when I heard "Oh, Isaac!" coming from the bedroom. I flopped on the couch, and dissolved into quiet laughter with Alexis - as we did not want to disturb the couple a few doors down the hallway. When they sounded like they had finished their romping, Isaac emerged naked from his bedroom, and we both couldn't hold it in anymore.
He sighed and went about his business, "Why did you have to come home so early?" He whined.
"Oh, my fucking God... that was great, Ike... Wow - classic."
"We should tell her to start yelling Clarkey..."
We were writhing and giggling on the couch as Isaac was getting post-sex snack food from the fridge. "I hate you so much..." He finally said, and disappeared into his room again.
"What a welcome home - eh?" I said, laughing still, but inside rather annoyed by it. "Perhaps I should go in there and make myself welcome."
I flicked on the TV, annoyed, and we fell asleep on the couch watching infomercials. I awoke about an hour later when Isaac was letting his girlfriend out. I stood up and tripped over the coffee table, nearly falling. "Fuck." I muttered. I left Alexis sleeping, and wandered into my room, which was clear of cocaine.
I peeled my clothes off and got myself ready for a shower. Isaac came in right then.
"Why'd you have to go and do that? She heard you, you know."
I scoffed, "Whatever, Ike. Did you tell her that your brother just got back from a mental institution and you sent him out to fuck her? Some caring brother, eh?"
"I care about you..."
"I could have been drinking and throwing up on the sidewalk. I could have fainted before I got back here! It's nice that you trust my judgment and everything - but it's my first day back... you'd think you'd have a little bit more consideration!"
He threw his hands up in the air, "Well... I had this date I didn't want to break. I was told a few days ago that you were coming home - after I had this date set!. I'm fucking sorry that inconvenienced you!"
"Sorry I inconvenienced you!" I retorted. "Do you have any idea how much weight I lost? I'm still fucking thirty pounds under weight!" I stood with my arms open, exposing my bare chest to him. "One hundred twenty pounds... and they said my intensive treatment was up. I regained the weight I had lost after Annissa died. When I couldn't walk anymore, they had me on fucking machines that FED calories into me! I lost thirty pounds in one month. I don't fucking know how that was even possible - but I fucking did it! I almost died."
He didn't express anything. No compassion or sympathy - no anger or resentment. He just stood there, stupidly... like he had no clue what to say. When he opened his mouth to retort, I threw my clothes at him and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I was going to shower, alone, behind closed doors... and no one could do anything about it. I yanked off my boxer shorts and stepped into the warm water.
My voice always found my throat when I was in the shower - out of habit. I began singing Ani's song again... and suddenly realized I wanted to finally write the piano part that had been in my head so long. I shut off the shower, wrapped a towel around myself and turned immediately to the upright in our living room.
Isaac came in the room and loomed in the doorway, and I noticed Alexis awake. "You wrote a song?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said, softly. "I kind of want to put it on the album... even if I do sound like a cat getting run over by a snow blower."
He cracked a grin, "Tay - you've always sounded like a cat getting run over my a snow blower."
"Thanks Ike." I said, and turned back to my piano.
I played into the night, and the next day I begged Isaac to buy me some studio time to record. He did and seemed reluctant to follow me into the studio that day, as I poured into the microphone. I left feeling faint - but with a track complete. Isaac promised we'd mix the album soon.
He drove me back to the hospital Monday morning. I told the group how I spent my weekend, and they smiled. Those who didn't have their weekends off looked starved with envy, and I felt wicked inside. Mike was looking thinner when I saw him again - I figured it was probably just because I went away.
For the first time I realized how little I felt at home... there.