I was in the kitchen. Naked. Jerking off. Enjoying the brand new feeling I had - Sex. Sexual emotion. Sexual potency. The want/need for more. The want/need for adventure in Sex. I hadn't felt this way since I was a young hormone driven whippersnapper.
Ike had left me alone to go out with some girl for the afternoon, and I was happy to spend my time thinking about Sex. Sex on the table. Sex on the bed. Sex on the floor. Sex against the wall. Sex on the toilet. Sex in the shower. I wanted it, I needed it, and I was going to jerk off until I was satisfied.
I was startled when I heard the door open and quickly snuck into my bedroom and shut the door before Isaac came in and saw me. I smiled to myself and stood in front of the mirror, smiling back at myself, self satisfaction washing over me.
I walked over to the bed and nuzzled my face in the sheets, closing my eyes imagining her face next to mine, "Oh... Alexis," I whined to myself. I writhed against the sheets just thinking about her, "Mmm... Shit..." I murmured and turned the other direction. I stretched out my body and continued wanking. I turned my head to one side and opened my eyes, suddenly surprised to see Alexis standing in my doorway, arms crossed, and an amused look on her face.
"Hello Taylor..." She said.
My cheeks burned and I sat up quickly, pulling the covers over me. I tried to think of something moderately intelligent to say, "Uh..."
Way to sound good, Taylor. I mentally slapped myself. I examined her expression, wondering in my head what she could have been thinking, but the question was answered when she came over to me and kissed me.
I regained some of my confidence, and finally made out a few words, "Um... How long have you been here?"
"Long enough," She replied, pulling at the sheets.
"Oh..." Was all I could say before she pressed her lips against mine.
"You know," She said, "Your dick has the same personality as you."
I watched her slide down between my legs and examine me. "It's tall and pretty..." She paused. "And I bet it feels the best if I squeeze your nuts while putting pressure right here."
I looked down at her and she placed her lips tightly around the head and kneading my balls in her hands. I think my eyes rolled back in my head, and I almost came right then. A small high-pitched squeal released itself from my throat, and my body was writhing beneath her. When she took the whole of me into her mouth I grabbed her shoulders and within 30 seconds I had come down her throat. She took a big gulp and sat up, "That didn't take long..."
"Sorry..." I mumbled, face flushed.
She kissed my cheek, "Don't be embarrassed, did I do good?"
"You did... awesome." I stated.
She smiled and pulled back, "Good." She yanked off her t-shirt, "Now, help me get undressed."
I helped her and she giggled while I pulled off her socks, and when my hands ran along the smooth skin of her legs. I planted small kisses on her round tummy, and I could feel her body shaking beneath me with little tickle-giggles. She lifted my face to hers and kissed me on the lips, "Tay, I can't wait any longer, please... please... fuck me."
I smiled, "Certainly."
She turned her back to me and grabbed the headboard on my bed and spread her legs to me, "I want to do it in this position today. God damn this fucking stomach - it makes sex so hard."
I laughed and pushed myself inside of her. I felt her insides clenching on me and it made my muscles tense. God, she was so good. I reached down and slid my fingers over her clit as we fucked, and I heard her let out a low moan. She squeezed harder on me, and buried her face in the pillow as she screamed. My climax followed hers, and we both lay beside each other. I could feel her body shivering.
"Did I do good?" I asked.
She nodded, "You did GOOD."
I yawned and she pulled up the covers, and it wasn't long before we fell asleep, in the soppy wet sheets.
Nightmares came when I slept, though. And I was awakened later in the afternoon cold all over and tears coming from my eyes. I crawled out of bed and collapsed onto the floor and threw up on the wood.
"Tay... Baby." She sat up and crawled to my side. "Are you okay?"
I turned away, the tears consuming me, "I'm sorry..." I said through the tears, "I'm sorry..."
"Shhh..." She tried to soothe me, wrapping her arms around me, "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay."
I closed my eyes and leaned my head on her shoulder, "Don't tell Isaac... please don't tell Isaac... or the doctors."
"You're still throwing up?"
I cried and shook my head, "No... no... This is the first time... I... I want to get better."
"Here, let's clean it up... Come on... stand up." She helped me stand and I looked at my body, ashamed. The cigarette burns and the letters on my stomach were dark... How could anyone love me? I went and got paper towels and we cleaned my mess. She wasn't grossed out or disgusted... She wasn't squeamish to cleaning up someone else's vomit. It reminded me of my mother, always ready at the site of the crime with a mop, gloves, lysol, and comforting hands when one of my siblings didn't make it to the bathroom. She'd laugh as we all stood staring at a puddle of vomit on the floor and call us wimps as she cheerfully wiped it away. Alexis was ready to be a mother.
"Thank you Al..."
She was sitting naked on the floor, cast under the soft glow from the window. I wanted to capture her face and the shadows dancing on the floor from the four oclock sunshine. I reached for my camera, determined to get some pictures, especially when she smiled sweetly and said, "No problem."
With the camera in my hand she began to shift and squirm, immediately uncomfortable. "Oh no you don't!"
"Stay. No one has to see these pictures except for us, alright?"
She looked hesitant, but finally gave in. "Let me brush my hair." She stood up and grabbed my hairbrush off of the dresser, "I don't see why we can't just take nude pictures of you... You know, and release them to all of the tabloids."
I laughed, "But I'm not beautiful like you." I thought of the pictures I kept hidden away with Ani's razorblade, and decided not to say anything.
She sat down on the floor in a pile of sheets and blankets, and her hair cascaded over her shoulders. Beautiful long red hair that made me wish I had color film in my camera. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders a little, and I laughed.
"Just be natural... Talk to me - just don't think I'm taking pictures."
She sat back and giggled. Snap. "Tay, do I really have to do this?"
"Yes."
She blushed and looked down, "Okay." Snap.
"Tay come here." She said about halfway through the shoot. I snapped a shot of her motioning for me to come over and crawled over.
"Have you ever taken pictures of yourself having sex with a girl."
The question came as very odd to me. I shook my head - No. She lay back with her legs open. I was hard.
"Okay." I finally responded and slid inside of her getting the direct downward shot. I put one hand down on the floor and held the camera to my face as I pumped against her. She was giggling and I took a shot of her laying back and laughing. She grabbed the camera from me and quickly started to take miscellaneous shots of my face and my body. She placed it next to us and I heard it clicking.
"Auto-timer?"
"Yeah."
"These pictures are going to be so crappy..." I laughed, and in the background I heard the film rewinding and then I heard my door swing open.
"Surprise, Ta--- Alexis?!"
I pulled away from her quickly and wrapped myself in sheets. Isaac stood in the doorway, shocked at what he walked in on.
"I thought you were just... Something... else. I didn't..." Isaac shook his head and shrugged.
I blushed furiously and tried to joke, "Whatsa matter, Ike? Can't you see I'm gettin' laid?"
"She's not a fucking groupie, Tay." His expression was dark.
"I never said that." I stood up, and pulled on my boxer shorts, then marched over to him. "I never said that."
"Do you have any clue what you're doing?"
"I know what I'm doing... I know what I'm fucking doing."
"So... what are you going to do?" He waved his hand and scoffed, "Just leave her here like every other dirty whore you've fucked?"
I swung my arm at him, punching him in the face. "I never fucking said that. What do you think I am? This is Alex not some street whore... not some girl giving me her body because I'm fucking Taylor Hanson. It's not about that!"
He was clutching his cheek, "I would hit you, you know. I would hit you if I didn't think I'd break you."
"Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck out of my room!" I pushed him, and he remained in place. I was losing my temper... I was losing my control. I picked up a glass figurine off of my dresser and I threw it at him. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!"
He dodged the figurine and left my room stepping on the broken shards of glass before slamming the door behind him. All of my anger made me want to scream and throw more things... and take it all out on myself. I roughly pushed all of the papers off of my desk and clenched my fists tight at my side.
I melted slowly when I saw Alexis crying. I sat down in front of her... she was curled up in the sheets and shaking. I reached out to touch her and she moved away. "I'm not a whore."
"Christ, Alex." I began crying. "I love you! I'm not using you! If... if I wanted to use someone it wouldn't be you. Isaac's talking out of his ass!"
"How can I know that? You've played so many girls before."
I spread my arms open. "Alex... I love you... Even... even if this is just a... a short affair... even if we don't go ahead and get married later - even if we decide a love-relationship won't work for us... I'll always love you and be there for you. I'm crying in front of your face... You've... you've seen me... You know me. No matter what happens I'm always a friend to you."
"Will you hold my hand when the baby is being born?"
"Yes."
"Please be there... Please."
I nodded, "I will." We kissed softly, and I stood up from my position on the floor and began picking up scattered clothes, "I guess we should get dressed now."
"I guess." She said.
I stopped in front of my mirror and looked at myself. After what Isaac had said I felt weak and sick again - and in the mirror I saw myself hollow. "Do I look anorexic?"
"You look a little thin..."
"Do I look anorexic. Do my ribs show? Do I look sick?"
"You look thin... you don't look like you did. You look a lot better."
"Do you think he would have broken me?"
She circled her hands around my waist. "No one can shatter you... you broke yourself years ago."
"When I look in the mirror I see hollow eyes and a skeleton. Sometimes if I look really hard my scars are bleeding."
She ran her fingers over the "FOREVER" that no one ever talked about - or asked about. She touched the raised letters on my arm. "Tay loves Ani... Forever."
"You get it."
"I've always gotten it." She traced the letters. "Why'd you do it?"
I held up my hands - covered in little burn scars, "They came from some masochistic desire to never forget. The three stages of this year... mourning, falling in love, and going insane."
"Two thousand four." She mumbled, "The year from hell."
I inhaled and exhaled slowly. I held her hands. "I looked you in the eye, didn't I?"
"Huh?"
"When we were having sex."
"Well... yes... I guess."
"I've only let one other person look me in the face when I'm doing that." I recalled how intently I had stared into those pale green-hazel eyes as tears streamed down. Alexis didn't need to ask whom. "I used to turn my face away when someone touched me. I never gave them the satisfaction of seeing my eyes."
"Why?"
"They'd know too much."
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