I held her hand for thirty-six hours. She lay on her back with her feet propped up and screamed as the baby's head passed through into the open air for the first time.
"You're doing good." I kept reassuring her, "You're doing awesome... keep going... Push... you're almost there."
She was shaking her head and tears were covering her face with pain, but once the shoulders passed through - that was it - the baby came through quickly and easily - and my petite lover finally rested.
Her eyes were half closed when they handed her son to her to hold for the first time. I think all of us felt our eyes drooping as we watched her handle her infant.
"My little Theo..." She said softly, and I felt like magic. I had just witnessed something immensely special, and for a just a moment, I felt like a proud father.
A single moment... and then the walls closed in, again.
Theo's birth had brought purpose into my life - but it seemed to lack that "joy" children are supposed to make you feel. Alexis was glowing. I was like the dark shadow that couldn't eclipse her - but did not go unnoticed.
I stood outside with a cigarette feeling myself inside-out. I hated my flat town, I wanted to jump off of something, just for the thrill of falling, and shattering. Living in the Midwest made me feel like it wasn't even worth attempting. I felt like my life was an endless fall and tumble without the satisfaction of finally hitting the ground. It was like I was being held over a bottomless pit.
I took a long walk down one of the trails Annissa and I used to travel down, and I threw up in the bushes when no one was looking. I don't know why I still did it. My loneliness was measured by how much I threw up that day. I was feeling awful lonely.
...and helpless too.
I ran home to Alexis. She wasn't in the mood to fill my space. She still had stitches - but she offered to suck my cock. I said, "Maybe after you hold me for a little while."
Her arms were of no comfort. My loneliness was so intense it brought me to tears.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything." I had given up with reasons, and that seemed to cover it all, anyway. "Everything."
I pushed her away and started to walk out.
"Where are you going?"
"Driving. Thinking."
Pain is fearless. It will never stop until it reaches your core, and spreads throughout your being. It is relentless. It will do everything in its power, without hesitation, to tear your heart out.
I drove for miles and miles until I was in cornfields. I pulled over and my mind replayed my panic and the last times I touched Annissa in the back seat of my car parked by these very corn fields.
In the privacy of my own car I could scream and no one would ever hear me... but it's not as satisfying as when your voice echoes in the open air. So I stepped out of the car, and screamed. I screamed as loud and ran as fast as I could... My heart was racing as I pushed my way through the stalks. I came to a clearing and fell down on my knees and cried.
"I'm all alone, God. Why do you take away the people I love? Why won't I ever be happy? Why can't I just disappear? Why do you keep me here... WHY? Why are you torturing me like this?" I was so angry... so angry with God. So angry at his sick game.
"You think you're so high and mighty? Well I can control it too! I can... I can fuck myself up just as much as you can! This is YOUR body isn't it? You can sit up there and spit on me all you fucking want!" I pulled out a pocketknife and rolled up my sleeves. It was cold outside that day... I hardly noticed. "I can play the game, too! Look at me, God. I'm just another fucker forsaking you." I slashed the knife over my arms violently. I held the blade over the thick artery in my neck. "I can do it any time I like. I can bleed my life out. I can fuck this fate! I can fuck anything I want to!"
I dropped the knife and collapsed in tears instead. Who the fuck did I think I was fooling? Making threats to God wasn't going to change anything. Making threats to myself wasn't going to help anything. I had vented my frustrations, and it was time for me to return to where I came from. I crept back to my car through the pathway of broken corn stalks I had created on my way in. The car was as cold as the early November air around me. Before I sat down in the car, I reached for the First Aid kit and covered my arms with gauze to stop the blood from smearing on my clothes. I turned on the heat and waited till I stopped shivering before I drove home.
My mind kept fading in and out of thoughts, and I was recalling when things started to change between Annissa and I. We were growing closer and closer in those nights she spent sleeping at my house.
One morning, we both seemed to open our eyes at the same time and I realized my body was pressed against hers. She shifted uncomfortably and stretched.
"Taylor, What is that?" She asked.
"What?"
She reached and brushed her hand over my crotch, and I saw her expression change immediately when she realized what it was. "Oh... Oh, God. I'm sorry."
I blushed furiously. My early morning juices were flowing, and my morning erection was jabbing her in the side. She started to get up and I touched her arm. "You don't have to. I'm sorry... I mean... I'll get up... I mean... Well... It's not what you think. It's nothing... You can get up if you want."
She relaxed. "I know, Tay... I'm sorry. That was just a bit surprising that's all." She moved closer to me again and cuddled against my chest. "I'm sorry for flipping out." I was at ease.
"It's okay." I responded. I closed my eyes and held her. "I feel comfortable with you." I was stroking her lower back.
"I feel comfortable with you, too." She stroked her hand softly over the bulge in my boxers, and I didn't push her hands away. Instead I let my hands roam. I remember how intense her stare was, and how loud the heart pounding in my head was. Nothing happened, not even a kiss... but the moment was so intense - underneath the sheets.
Needless to say, I took a long cold shower when she went to work that morning - but suddenly we were different. That's when our friendship started to turn into a relationship, and everything that followed couldn't have been stopped.
Somehow I arrived home, but I was so weak and tired I nearly passed out climbing the stairs to my bedroom. Alexis caught me in the hallway. I must have looked drugged up because she kept asking, "What did you take?" Over and over.
"Nothing." I kept saying.
"Stop lying to me, what did you take?"
I showed her my gauze because I didn't know what else to do. "I drove away and discovered there's no point in threatening God."
"Oh Christ, Taylor... No wonder you're so fucking out of it! I'm surprised you haven't fainted yet! Oh yeah, I forgot, you're fucking anorexic - this is fucking wonderful, Tay."
Right then, I did faint. Next thing I know she had me sitting on the toilet seat in our bathroom, propped up in her arms. "You're like a big baby, you know that? Are you okay now?"
"Dizzy."
"Well eat something and don't go slashing up your arms. That might help." She sighed.
I stared at her. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting beneath my eyes.
"I won't tell on you, Tay. Not this time... but please stop this shit... please, I'm begging you."
A tear slipped down my cheek. I felt the wetness, but my insides were churning so bad I couldn't tell if I was in pain or not. I wanted to tell her that I'd had it. Had it with albums, had it with music... had it with being on the cover of every magazine. Had it with responsibility, and babies, and taking care of myself. I wanted to say that I'd had it with coping, and trying to understand death. I'd had it with trying to love her when all I could think about was Zac... and worse - Ani - when she was in my arms. But all I could manage with my closed throat was...
"How's Theo?"
"He's beautiful." She whispered, "He's perfect."
when god decided to invent
everything he took one
breath bigger than a circustent
and everything began
when man determined to destroy
himself he picked the was
of shall and finding only why
smashed it into because
- e.e. cummings
In two weeks we'd head back to L.A. and return to mixing our album.
Isaac noticed the dark lines all over my arms and I begged Ashley Greyson to cut them out of the documentary. The documentary was a stupid trend we had started with our last album, and I decided that day that I hated it.
"Ike, this has nothing to do with anything."
He was livid, "Oh, it has everything to do with everything." He spat. He grabbed my arms and exposed them to the video camera placed in the studio. He braced himself and held my wrists tight.
"Show them Taylor! Show them what you've done to yourself."
I began sobbing and crying like a girl or a small child. "Why are you doing this?" I kept repeating. The letters burned underneath the cuts seemed redder than ever - and thinking about Ani, I felt so helpless. Without nothing. "Why?"
"My brother is a hopeless fucking teenager." He continued, every word was seething. "He's a drug addict with anorexia and he slashes up his arms. Everybody gawk. I hope you've lost all of your respect for him. I'm going to see to it that that's NOT edited."
When he let go of me I punched him. For a moment he grabbed his face, and you could hear me whimpering, but nothing else was said. It was understood why I had punched him - and he didn't even retaliate. We just got back to business as usual - with short tones and snippy side comments for the rest of the day.
Ashley seemed defiant about editing - like he thought it would be for the better if they kept it in. I should have crushed the tape when I had the chance. In the cutting room we seemed to review it an awful lot, I think it was Isaac's indiscreet way of torturing me... but I could only be half sure about that.
There was a clip of me recording Ani's song that scared me more than anything I've ever watched of myself. I didn't remember the day I did that that well, and everything seemed so much worse than I remember thinking it was... I looked so sick, and nearly fainted a couple of times. My voice was so raspy and weak, more so than it is currently... and I looked thinner than I ever thought I looked. You have a different perspective of yourself when you see yourself from the outside.
The worst part of that recording was a sudden and small episode I had completely forgotten I had at all. Seeing myself shivering on the floor leaning against the walls in the bathroom with my eyes rolled back and the most horrible sounds coming from my throat - hurt. It was so much worse... so much worse than I would have told myself it was. My arms were pushing my head, and my neck almost looked like it was becoming unhinged. I kept singing "I go through all this.." over and over - just that one line - it had no end. Isaac was holding me and rocking me the entire time. My eyes kept rolling from one side to the next and when they seemed to focus, Isaac clapped his hand over my face. "Calm down, I'm here. Calm down, I'm here." He kept saying. "Don't get sick... I'm here."
I lurched and pushed him violently and turned quickly to the toilet - but I didn't throw up. I stood up and stumbled after a minute of silence. He had to help me walk with his arm around my waist - back to the microphone in the studio. He helped me stand as I sang the last verse live, before he told me we should leave. I kept breaking down in tears throughout the recording session, and when the tape stopped, Isaac turned to me.
"And that wasn't even the worst of it." He said to me. "That was when you were supposed to be getting better. You have no idea what you put me through, Taylor. You went into a trance for fucking HOURS sometimes, panic attacks like that again and again for HOURS! Do you fucking understand that?"
"It wasn't my fault." I stared at the floor. "It's not my fault I'm weak. I know I'm fucking weak. It hasn't happened for a while, alright? I haven't even had a nightmare for about a month..."
"I'm just showing you, because I really want you to get better, and you are... but you've been backtracking. Ever since we went back home. I don't want to ever have to see you like that, again, Tay, you know that. I love you."
"I'm going to be fine, I promise you."
At night I would go home to Alexis and Theo. She was barely into the third month and she already seemed burnt out of this motherhood deal. Infants are a lot more work than they tell you in the instruction packet. She moved in with us to accommodate Theo, and he lived in Zac's room. She lived in my room, with me. When he cried at night, sometimes I let her sleep and tended to him myself. She was so tired, I felt bad. When she did wake up, though, I stayed awake with her until Theo was back to sleep.
Alexis and I hadn't really established our status as a "couple" - but when I came home at night, and she wasn't in the mood - I felt wounded. She was so close to me that she slept in my bed at night and knew what time of day I was supposed to take all of my medications - but she couldn't have sex with me? She was never in the mood for sex - always tired... always anxious... always thinking about Theo - and sometimes, although she didn't admit it - Zac.
I thought about Zac... I always thought about him... and Annissa... and I kept thinking - if things were different... If he didn't get in that accident - he would be sleeping with Alex tonight. But if he hadn't gotten in the accident - would I have ever known Annissa? Maybe it would have been better if I had never known her. I think... if Zac were alive today - that would have been the best.
"Do you ever wonder what life would be like if Zac had waited two more seconds to walk out of the store?"
"Every day."
"I wouldn't be with you, then, would I?"
"No, I'd be with Zac. You'd be sleeping around."
"I miss him." I moved closer to her in the bed, and nuzzled myself against her warmth.
"So do I." She said softly. "More than anything."
I still couldn't figure out how I loved Alexis.