I was growing sick of babies crying, wedding dresses, and too-quiet brothers. I was sick of press scrutiny and questions I did not want to answer. I began piling the bricks again. This is my wall - you stay out. Every news station and tabloid wanted to tell the world of my social disorder. Ineptness. I stared closed mouth at their noses and Isaac answered my questions for me.
How could they talk about me? They saw my past year as old news and tabloid babble. They thought my life was theirs to peek into, and discuss - like a storybook. On the inside things were quite different. They didn't understand what I had endured, and worse, they didn't even try. Nothing had changed in their world - it was the same as it was when we left two years prior. Isaac and I had walked a mile and they barely moved an inch. Every word they said built invisible barriers between us and them. We were different now, We were tired. This world was not for us... for me, anymore.
The solution?
I stopped showing up. We had scheduled an appearance on the David Letterman show and I never came. I drove out of town - out of state... until I reached Canada. I had thirty-one messages on my cell phone from Isaac, angry. I called him the next day from Toronto, and he was fuming. I put the phone down while he yelled and told him I was driving back to New York. That evening I shut the hotel doors for days - Isaac frantic on the other side, crying, screaming, and banging loudly on my door.
"Why don't you just go! Just go!" Alexis cried over the banging at the door and the wailing baby in her arms. I was picking up the phone making cancellations.
We got kicked out of the hotel room when Isaac broke the door down in his rage. He had a strength and power that came from his anger that I had never seen in him before. He was like a violent explosion, and nothing could cover it. Nothing could make the wrath of the fire dim. I stopped trying to fight back as he beat me. I understood why he was angry. I deserved it.
He was crying when his arms tired. "Why are you ruining this for us, Tay?"
I stared at him, the blood was dripping onto my clothes. I walked out of the hotel room vomiting and spitting blood. By that time, Alexis had run with the baby and called the hotel staff, who in turn called the police. The police caught me in the hallway and I was too angry and too busy spitting blood to work rationally.
"What's happening here?"
"Out of my way you fucking cock sucking bastards!" Spit, cough. "Fucking.. mother...fucking..cunt. You... fuck. Fuck." And the colorful words came spilling forth at lightning speed. The most degrading phrases and words I had ever known came all at once. The words were uncontrollable, like a kid with tourettes, I couldn't stop it. A streamline of obscenities dripped off of my chin and onto my shirt much like the red blood from my nose. Blood was everywhere, and between the swearing I was puking, and the police were shouting. Suddenly, they were pushing me into a cop car with handcuffs on and cameras flashing.
"Tell the National Enquirer that I fuck their music and this goddamn business! Do you want to see pain? Fuck pain! Fuck your pain! I dare you to print it! I dare you! Print every fucking word! Fuck the National What's-it! Fuck this country! Fuck any country! Fuck you!" I spat and jostled my cuffs in the direction of the crowds gathering, but I was pushed into the cab of a police car before I could aim my middle finger in their general direction.
I had never been so angry in my life.
They waited for my rainbow of obscenities to finish before they brought me first aid kits and questions. I saw the police officer hesitate when he called me - as if he were afraid to approach me, now bandaged like a mummy.
"We would just like to ask you some questions."
"I'll pay for the damage." I murmured, "I know what happened was my fault. Is Isaac here?"
"Yes, he's here."
"Tell him I'm sorry."
"...Okay." He seemed a bit frazzled by my sudden change of character. "I guess that settles it. The hotel is pressing charges for the damage you have done - your brother too, and by their lawful request... you are to get your things, and are never allowed to return to the building - or you have the potential for arrest."
I nodded solemnly. "I understand."
"Alright, some doctors will be in shortly. You broke your nose."
"Great. Anything else?"
"No, just bruising and a couple of black eyes... you're lucky."
"Thanks..." I muttered, and they placed me in a holding cell for the evening. The next morning they pushed some forms in front of my face and I signed my name three times with elaborate curved lines. I walked into the lobby where Alex stood, waiting with Theo in her arms. I walked to embrace her, and she cried.
"You're out of your fucking mind, you know that?" She pushed a newspaper in my face with pictures, and even quotes from my rage outside of the hotel.
"I know." I said.
"I just don't understand you, lately! I just don't get it! What are you trying to prove?"
I shrugged, "I don't understand myself most times." I said as we exited the building and entered the parking lot.
"You don't fucking care, do you? Do you have any clue what you just did? You not only put your career on the line - but you put Theo's life on the line! What were you thinking?"
"Hey listen, Isaac attacked me."
"But you threw the lamp!"
"And he beat me to the ground! What do you want me to do?!"
She clenched her teeth.
"You know what I did?" I said, holding up the newspaper. "I bought exposure for Hanson. This will sell records. This is my way out of here!"
"Out of where?! What are you confined to? You've lost all your sense!"
"Out of here! Out of this life... this career! I've fucking had it! Where are you parked?!"
She turned and I followed her to her car. "Get in." She muttered.
I sat down in the front seat as she strapped Theo in the back. She strapped herself in the drivers seat and pulled out of the parking lot.
"So where's Isaac?" I said, eventually.
"Someone else is picking him up, they think they should keep you apart."
"Probably a good idea."
She eased up, and our fight began to disintegrate as she calmed.
"I'm sorry." I said, finally, as we waited outside the elevator to get my things from the hotel room. All I wanted was for her to hold me and love me and forgive me. She gave me an icy stare and we proceeded to the hotel room in silence. I opened the door and stumbled into the dark room, the crunching of broken glass beneath my feet. The room was left untouched, and it reeked of vomit and dry blood. Tables were overturned, clothes were strewn about and lampshades were torn apart with broken bulbs in the sockets. Alex quickly gathered what she needed and stood out in the hallway waiting for me as I pieced all of my things together.
Feeling sick, I joined her in the hallway with my bags. "Lets go." She said, cold toned. She held Theo on her hip, and motioned for me to place my bags on the cart she had wheeled over from down the hall. I pushed the cart and we stood silently on our descent in the elevator. People came in and out and pretended not to stare at me and my messy face. I asked Alex what was going to happen.
"We're going home."
"No more promotion?"
"No. You cancelled everything and trashed our hotel room, remember?"
"Actually Isaac..."
"Taylor," She interrupted. "Don't even fucking try."
"Where is he going?"
"I don't know." She shifted from side to side. "I think Chris is picking him up and he's staying with him for a while."
"I'm sorry." I said again.
"Tell Isaac that."
I shook my head and I wheeled our things to the limousine as she checked us out. I walked up with my check book in hand and paid the hotel bill for her (all the while receiving dirty looks for singing "New York City's like a Graveyard" while I was filling out my check.)
All the hookers in their fuck-ing cars!
12 stepping hippies hanging out at the bars!
Suckers, fuckers, and stupid re-ta-ards!
New York City's like a graveyard!
"You're being rude." Alex finally told me with an elbow.
I shrugged. "Who cares anymore?" I handed her the check. "I'll be in the car."
Airplane rides are always lonely. I asked to hold Theo, and I was given a crying, cranky, hungry baby. Don't cry, Theo. I said in my mind. I didn't mean to do this, Theo. I'm sorry to force this life upon you. I love you, whoever you are.
All I wanted to do when we reached home was make love to Alex. I tried kissing her and she turned away. "Baby I'm sorry." I cooed.
"You're always sorry."
"It's over now." I said. "We can move on, now."
She looked skeptical still and I tried kissing her again. When she responded I moved closer to her and pressed my pelvis into her. She pushed me away again.
"No, Taylor. Go away if that's what you want."
"Baby..." I tried to coax her by stroking the small of her back. "No..."
She scoffed and pushed my hand away. "That is what you want! I don't even want to talk to you, right now! Put your fucking dick away, and maybe I'll think about it!"
I put my hands in my pockets and my shoulders sank. So I wasn't winning points tonight. "Sorry..." I muttered.
"You're fucking amazing." She sighed, exasperated. "Fuckin' amazing!"
"I am, aren't I?" I breathed before leaving the room.
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lyrics (c) The Moldy Peaches ("New York City's like a Graveyard")