Jessica came alone, and she let us know that she was clean, and happy. Mom and Dad were getting better and so were our younger siblings. I showed her around the city, and Isaac flew in a few days into her trip and joined us for re-acquaintance.
I had cut down on my smoking. For the baby, mostly, but also for my own health. I didn't smoke indoors anymore, unless I was sitting in the big window watching the park across the street. I liked sitting in high places. I noticed when I cut down my smoking that I began to gain weight. After a few weeks I began to feel like a fat married man, so I began to work out. I took runs in the morning and went hiking with Alex and Theo strapped on my back to keep in shape. I knew that soon Alex wouldn't be able to take hiking trips with me, but I didn't care, I was perfectly satisfied with staying inside and getting fat feeding her potato chips and giving her foot massages.
Jessica and Isaac both commented on how well in shape I looked, how healthy. It had taken a long time, but I finally felt like I could run a significant distance without fainting. I finally felt alive again, like there was a reason to wake up in the morning, and not only get out of bed, but to leave the house. I was so amazed at how it felt to breath fresh air again, and to look at myself in the mirror and think, for the first time, 'I feel good.'
When Jess first came, we hung out and laughed while I showed her around the city. Theo was old enough to walk, but I carried him around anyway since he got tired quickly. Alex stopped every now and again to peek into stores and gaze at the displays in the window. We joked that she was more of a tourist than Jessica was. Jess went into thrift stores in the Mission and bought old dresses and jackets. Alex brought her camera to the park and took pictures. When Jessica wasn't looking she snapped pictures of her sitting in botanical gardens in her new dresses, and me late at night reading with my reading glasses on in bed.
When Isaac dropped in we spent a lot of time sitting around the piano banging out songs. It was refreshing, with him I began to feel the chemistry we once shared, again. Those glances and that secret language that only the two of us knew, anymore. Something that somehow made our music come together, and a song work on the first try. The sound of our voices together was amazing; I had long forgotten what it was like to harmonize on a new melody.
You might say that our entire week was absolutely wonderful, and everything was great. It was, until I was standing in the guestroom, talking to Jess who was rummaging through her suitcase and came upon and envelope. "Oh yeah!" She exclaimed, "I was supposed to give this to you." She tossed it to me, and I bent down to pick it up from the floor.
I saw my name hand written across the front, but no address, someone must have given this letter directly to Jess. "Who's this from?"
Jessica shrugged, "I was standing outside of the convenient store having a cigarette and this girl with blonde hair came up to me. She knew who I was and said you would know her. She said she drove you home from the cemetery once?" She shrugged, "But anyway, she said she was so glad to have found me, because she didn't know our address and she needed to give you this letter."
I was puzzled, I couldn't remember such a person. I tore open the envelope, thick with pages, assuming it was from a fan girl or something. I skimmed over it lightly, and stopped short when I saw one name. Annissa. I sat down on the bed and began reading.
Dear Taylor,
You are impossible to get a hold of, you know that? Your address is nowhere to be found, and hell if I know where you even live these days. It's sure as hell not in Tulsa. In fact, you may never get this letter... it may be years before I find a way to send it to you, and by then I might just give up. I will carry this letter with me, though, until the day comes that I see you and I can give it to you.
I guess I should tell you who I am, as you are probably just about ready to throw this letter in the garbage, or put it down and do other things. My name is Shannon, I met you once, no twice. Once at your brother's wake, and once I drove you home from the cemetery. You probably don't remember because you were blackout drunk. You passed out in my car and I had to carry you to the door, and you threw up all over the front of your shirt before I could get someone in your house to help me bring you in.
This letter is going to be very hard for me to write, and perhaps, for you to read. This is in fact about the 5th or 6th draft I've made, trying to rewrite and recapture the details in a less rambly, nonsensical manner. I know you've tried to move on by now, I'm sure. The pain we have all suffered in the past three years is indescribable, and I don't want to think about it anymore than you do. But there are some things that I think you need to know, that I think were left unsaid, and that I especially think you of all people deserve to have been told.
I was Annissa's best friend, and had known her since we were small. My family gave her the right to have services and a burial, we were the only reason that she got even that. If we didn't step in she would have been tossed in a body bag and been put God knows where. I think when she left you she left open a lot of loose ends, too many. There were too many things that she didn't tell you, that no one told you... and I think that I should start off with telling you that she had planned it. She knew she was going to kill herself months before she did it.
She may not have necessarily planned it in the sense that you may be thinking, she didn't set a date or something... but she planned the steps. You know, "Just in case." She was fucked up, Tay, and I think perhaps that you were too fucked up yourself to see that. You should have been told that it was coming. You should have been told that she had tried it before. She loved you, God she did, but there was so much fucked up in her head. Taylor, nothing that happened was your fault. Nothing. I know all of it. I know exactly what her father did to her... and you. She told me how she was going to do it, and then her father left, and then you were leaving, and I knew it wouldn't be long before she completely cracked, before she gave up. He never came back, you know. I doubt he would even care that she's dead, not in the sorry state he was in.
After her suicide, you didn't say a word. I saw you before you left for LA at the store with Isaac, Taylor, and you were completely gone, lifeless almost. I wanted to talk to you, but you looked as if one word would break you. You went outside to throw up in the garbage can, and Isaac had to carry you back to the car. It was painful, and when I found out you were hospitalized I was horrified. Oh, Taylor, why did you let her break your mind? I may not know you, but from a distance, I had never seen anyone as passion focused as you were, your mind constantly soaking, creating, and doing all of the wonderful things that artists do. And there I was standing outside of the grocery store watching it go completely blank.
He didn't always hit her. He started drinking after her Mom died and one thing lead to the next. It's the same old story. Once he was a loving man, but the bottle can change anyone. If I could go back 5 years ago and look at him today, I wouldn't have ever recognized him as the same person. He became dependant on her. She couldn't escape him, or she was afraid that he would die because he had lost any ability he may have had to take care of himself. He hit her because she looked like her mother. He hit her because he claimed, that it was she that should have died in the car accident, not his lovely wife. He pushed her around in the house, and made her cook for him - treated her like some slave housewife when she was home, not like a teenager, or a child. Back in the beginning he didn't hit her often, only every once in a while, it wasn't really until you came along that it got bad.
I think he was afraid of you. I think he was afraid of losing her to you, and losing her would be like losing his wife again. I also think that, in a way, he saw you as someone barraging on his property, someone stealing his little girl like she was some possession. I would have never known how severe it was if I hadn't been there to witness it. There are some things you aren't supposed to repeat, even to your best friend.
I was there one afternoon after she had come home from hanging out with you. She was high on coke - all fucking sweaty and paranoid. He knew she was high, and that she did it with you. He asked her where she was, and she lied. He asked her about you, and whether it was "worth it," to which she responded with a snide comment, accusing him of false accusations. He slapped her, and for a moment she stood stunned before she thought to turn and run. He grabbed her arm before she could get too far, and I still remember the horrible things he said to her as he dragged her into her bedroom and slammed the door. I could only hear her screaming on the other side, and a short time after he blew past me standing in the hallway. I stepped in cautiously after he had left and pushed the door shut gently. Her pants and panties were pulled down to her knees and she was crying, curled into fetal position. She was moaning and she kept repeating, "He's just my friend," over and over again. I wasn't supposed to tell you, or anyone, but I feel that I must. I need to get it off of my chest. I need to express these horrible images, somehow. I need to tell you, because you deserve to know.
It was that night that she first went to your house and stayed for days. She told me about the day she first had sex with you. She went home and he did it again - I don't even know how I am supposed to describe it to you, writing makes everything so solid, so final... and I don't know if I want this to be that way, the horrific things her father did to her. Annissa told me that he "checked" her with his fingers, and when he saw her bloody underwear and felt her, he knew that she was no longer a virgin, and he made her have sex with him. It never happened after that, but then again, after that she stopped going to school and stayed at your place most of the time.
She kept telling me that you were so sick, and that you needed help and that she was none. I don't really know you, or what you were like, but when I saw you at the store that day I couldn't help but think of those words.
She said that he would have killed her if you didn't come running in, but she wished you didn't save her. In the end it didn't matter, did it? She killed herself anyway.
I was the only person that saw her, besides her father, during the last week of her life. After you dropped her off she came directly to my house and she told me everything. She drank half of my liquor cabinet, and slowly it all came spilling out, then she told me how she was going to die. Two days later, after she returned to her house, she and her father got in an enormous fight and he left the house. Three days later he wasn't back.
I was at school when they announced it. There was a message on the PA system about an hour after you found her. Her friends couldn't believe it, but I couldn't do a single thing but shake my head and cry. There you were on the cover of the newspaper the next day, covered in blood. There were two men on either side of you holding you up. The house was in the backdrop, and I could tell exactly the spot you were standing, but I doubt you ever knew it was being taken - you looked so horribly torn.
The police reports and autopsy claimed that she had bruises, but no one was there to tell them where from. She died from blood loss before over dose, and had been dead a mere hour before you made the 911 call. But even if you had made it earlier, she couldn't have been saved. Taylor, even if you had come to stop her - she would have done it sometime anyway. She was in it deep.
Taylor, it's been so hard to write this letter. I hope you understand why these things needed to be said. If you don't write me a response, I understand, but if you would like to the address is at the bottom of this page. I hope all is well with you and your family, and I apologize for having to deliver this news, but it was something that I had to do, or I wouldn't have been able to go on with my life.
Regards,
Shannon Bixby
When I was done reading I looked up, my eyebrows creased into a frown and the pages crinkling in my hand.
"What is it?" Jessica's voice cut through my thick foggy thoughts. I jumped and looked up at her as if I were shocked by her presence. I had no words to say for her. I let go of the pages and ran both of my hands through my hair and propped my elbows on my knees. I couldn't believe what I had read, I didn't want to. Shock swept through me as I sat, astounded by the information I had just received, still not quite sure what to make of it, or how I felt about it. The thoughts spun through my mind at a million miles per hour.
"Tay, what is it?" Jessica was speaking again, but I covered my ears with my hands and groaned, dropping my head between my knees. I felt sick, and the ringing in my ears was giving me a headache. I groaned again and gasped, and when I looked up at Jessica I realized I was crying, too.
"What's wrong, Taylor?" Jessica came and sat down next to me. I kept shaking my head at her, but she kept asking. "Come on, what's wrong? What was that all about? Why are you crying?"
"Just let me think." I muttered, grabbing the letter from the ground and stumbling rather blindly into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and started the shower. My anger pulsed through me, and I tore at my hair, kneeling down on the floor, trying not to scream. I pulled my clothes off in preparation to get in the shower, but the rage pulsing through me was so intense I could feel it in my fingertips. I bit my lip until it bled to keep from screaming, but I couldn't take it any longer. I stared at myself in the mirror, sick to my stomach with how I looked in the reflection. The rage I felt was full-bodied, and my mind couldn't battle with it and try to force compromise.
In my reflection I could see the frail boy who allowed it all to happen. I could see the same face I saw the night he felt me down, bruised cheeks and ribs. He did this to me, he did this to us. He killed her, it was him. For a moment I saw her bleeding naked in the bathtub and I screamed, throwing my fists into the mirror. Glass was everywhere, and my hands kept pounding. I tore the door off of the medicine cabinet and threw all of the bottles on the floor. My hands were bleeding, but the blood hardly fazed me anymore. I was making a mess but I couldn't care less when I finally got tired and sank to the floor, my knees rubbing into glass edges. All of this shit, it could be replaced... but a life is gone forever.
I cried as the steam grew thicker in the room around me, the heat causing me to sweat. The door clicked open but I didn't move to see who it was, it didn't matter anyway. Alexis was standing by my side and rubbing my back, asking me what was wrong. I couldn't speak, but I had the letter, which I groped for with my bleeding hands over the white rug we had in our bathroom. She took it from me and then gently helped me stand, brushing glass shards off of my knees and getting me to stand in the shower while she and Isaac swept up all of the glass.
When the water went cold I turned it off and grabbed a towel off of the rack, securing it to my waist before I opened the curtain. Alex and Isaac were still frantically sweeping the glass into dustpans, not wanting to leave a single piece. I suddenly became aware of Alex's franticness to clean it all, completely paralyzed that if they don't, something might happen to Theo. Isaac came in with a vacuum cleaner and I covered my ears to the noise when he turned it on to clean the floor and the rugs. I noticed that the medicine bottles had all been stacked up again in the door less medicine cabinet.
Once Ike started vacuuming Alex pulled the broken door out of the room and I followed her. "I'm sorry." I said, and for a moment she seemed panicked.
She put the door in our bedroom and stood upright to look at me, ready to scold. "What the hell was that all about? Taylor, have you no self-control? Does it just slip your mind that we have a two year old son running around!"
"Honey, calm down, please." I stepped toward her, making a gesture that I was sorry, but she brushed me off, shrugging off my embrace.
"Calm down?! You're one to talk!" She pointed at me, "I don't care what's fucked up in your head, but you are going to have to learn to control this! I will not allow our son to grow up like this! You're his father, at least try to be a balanced individual!"
"You think I fucking like this?" I shouted, "Oh yes, Lex, I fucking think this is a whole lot of fun, you know, riding a constant emotional roller coaster. You know, there's a halfway house down the street, why don't we check in?"
"Oh, what, are you the only one this situation affects now?" She opened my drawer and she threw a pair of jeans at me, "Put on some clothes for fuck's sake."
I never broke eye contact with her as I crossed the room to get my underwear, and changed into the jeans that she gave me. She stood watching, her arms crossed and pussy faced. We faced each other in a stare down that I knew I wasn't going to win, so I sighed and threw my hands up. "What is this now? Is this where I'm supposed to admit my defeat? Well you know what, Alexis, you're not telling me anything I don't already know. You're right, you win. I'm fucked up, and I'm probably not fit to be someone's Dad. But we're trying, aren't we? Isn't that why we moved?" I began pacing back and forth, and she never broke her stare, "I fucking love you, you know... and I love Theo. I may not be the most emotionally fit person in the world, but I will never hurt those children, and I would never hurt you. You know that, Al. You know that."
"You don't love me." She sighed, "You love a girl that killed herself in a bathtub. You just need me to keep you fucking inspired. You only love me because I was the first compassionate thing that came along."
"What difference should it make why I love you? I'm here aren't I? I love you so much, Alex... How could you think otherwise?"
"I hear you sighing her name in your sleep. You're obsessed, Tay... you never stop thinking about her."
"Why does that make you think I don't love you? I love her, just like I love Zac - but they're not here, are they? Just because I love them, too doesn't mean I love you."
"You can never love me wholly as long as you keep clinging to her."
"Do you want me to lie to you and tell you I'm not thinking about her?" I said, "Yes, it's true, perhaps, that we would not be standing here right now if she was still alive - but we wouldn't be standing here right now if Zac were still alive either! We wouldn't have ever made this connection if it weren't for our situation, and you know that. I know it feels like we're both just leftovers, and that we both should have probably gone out and met other people but I'm too antisocial, and you're too scared. But here we are, Alexis. Does that make it any less strong? Does that seem not right?"
She moved her eyes to the ground and she let me walk close to her and wrap my arms around her without pushing me away. "I just don't know what to think."
"Don't think. Just feel." I said softly, "That's what makes us different."
"And you wonder why your heart gets broken so easily."
"I don't wonder, I know already." I chuckled through some tears that had come to my eyes, "You know, I never used to be such a baby."
"Don't lie." She said, "You know I hate it when you do that."
"They say that Pisces has a tendency to be attracted to broken people."
"They also say that Pisces is an emotional mess." She pressed her fingers against my cheeks and rubbed away my tears.
"That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"
She laughed, "Baby, I don't think there is any explanation for anything you do... Unless you can tell me what breaking the mirror was all about."
"I don't know what I can say." I said, "I just got a letter in the mail from an old friend of Annissa's."
She pushed me away, "I don't want to hear it."
"You wanted me to tell you." I turned and walked to the window. I didn't want her to see how hurt I was by her coldness.
"It's always about that. You would have been better off having never met the girl."
"Maybe you're right. She was going to kill herself anyway, I was only delaying the process by being nice to her for a change." I said bitterly, through my teeth. "I didn't beat the shit out of her, so I guess that makes me an alright guy, right?"
"What are you trying to justify to yourself all of the time!? Why do you act like something, everything is somehow your fault!"
"Because I did this to myself!" I sighed, "It was my fault her father did what he did to her. Before I came along... he wasn't... he didn't... I should have let him kill her, instead of watching her kill herself."
"What you should have done is told the police."
"We would have been arrested, do you have any idea how much cocaine she was on?" I ran my hands through my hair, I could see the harried expression on my face in my reflection. "If I had known then what I know now, I would have gone. I would have taken the risk."
"You feel guilty because you didn't do the right thing. In fact, Taylor... you did all of the wrong things."
I shook my head, "It's so easy to say two years removed."
"I know it is." She gave in a little, "I know, Tay. I know you weren't necessarily thinking with your right mind, I don't think any of us were - if we were none of this would have ever happened."
"Do you forgive me?"
"What was in the letter?"
"Maybe you should read it." I said, moving from my spot by the window, in search of the envelope.
"No. Maybe you should tell me." She said, stopping me with her hand when I came within her reach.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't think of what to say.
"Just tell it to me straight, Tay. Don't try and fix it up."
I stared at her for a long time, wishing there was a way that I could tell her, but no matter how hard I tried the words would not come out of my mouth. My whole body was stopping me. I felt something gripping me that I had never before felt, something that caught my throat and reminded me with intensity of the sick feeling I had when my hips bruised against the tile wall in the shower. I thought about the stories Angel had told me and then Annissa curled up in bed next to me, with her black eye. I felt it in me, the words that needed to be said, but would rather hide. "I-I can't."
"You can. You can, you just don't want to. What's in there that you can't say! What's so horrible that you can't even tell me?"
"I can't. I try, but I can't." Before she could bear down on me I stepped away and walked into the hallway. Jessica and Isaac were sitting in the living room with Theo.
"Hey, dude, are you alright?" Ike asked.
I nodded, "I think so."
When I sat down Jessica closed in on me, "Let me see your hands." She said, "Tay! I can't believe you didn't bandage those yet!" She stood up and I heard her busily opening cabinets and drawers in the kitchen. I laughed.
"Well, when Mom's not around, Jess is, I guess. Where would us Hanson's be without our women to keep us in shape?"
"We'd all be doomed in hell, that's where." Ike said.
I lifted Theo from the floor into my lap and he sulked for his toys. I pulled him away and gathered him into my arms where I held him tight. "I love you so much, Theo."
I felt his little arms wrapping around my neck, returning the gesture. "I love you, Dada."
I rocked him back and forth and for a moment he seemed contented, but then he started squirming out of my grasp again. I let him go and put him back down with his toys and watched him as Jessica came running in with band aids and gauze to cover my hands.
"Jess, do you really think that's all necessary? He's not bleeding anymore."
"But what if he gets infected! Taylor, you're an absolute nightmare, do you know that?!"
"Thanks Mom," I muttered. I looked at my left hand, covered in ace bandages and gauze, agreeing with Isaac that it was, indeed, a bit much. "Now I know what it's like to be mummified."
"Well, you don't want your hands to get infected, do you?"
"I think some Neosporin would have done it, do I need to go out in public like this?"
"Yes," She replied, indignantly.
I sighed and humored her, and began struggling with the remote. When Alex walked in the room I heard her laughing before I saw her. "What the hell happened to you?"
"Mom came and told me my hands were going to get infected unless I wore 4 inches of bandages."
"Aw, how cute, your little sister is looking out for you." She joined us on the couch. "So do you guys want to go out tonight?"
Everyone nodded, the four of us hadn't been out together yet, mostly because at least one had to stay home and look after Theo. "Do you think Theo will be alright with a sitter?"
We all nodded, once again, and then quickly we were thrown into discussion about people we could meet and cool clubs we could go to. We finally decided to go to this place down in the Castro, which we had heard about but never been. There were some cool bands playing that night that Isaac expressed interest in wanting to see. Everyone seemed pretty happy with the idea and we spent the next few hours getting ready. Alex wore one of Jessica's new dresses and I pulled out some clothes from when I was seventeen.
"My butt has gotten big." I complained when I couldn't button the fly on an old pair of pinstripe pants that I had. "When the hell did that happen?"
"Maybe it's just your balls." Alex said, throwing another pair of pants at me from across the room, "Try those."
I slid the new pants on and let out a sigh of relief. "These are nice and loose."
"Those must be from your 'fat' phase." She said, sarcastically, and I looked up at her, trying to put on my best 'mortally offended' face. She rolled her eyes at me and then turned to the mirror, separating her long red hair with her fingers and intertwining the strands into braids.
We took the bus down to the club and Jessica was just giddy with excitement. She had never really been out with us before, never mind in San Francisco, where left and right you saw lesbians kissing, especially in the area we were in that night. She grabbed my hand and I pulled her in after me avoiding the ID checker at the door. So what she was underage?
Once inside we all moved haphazardly in and out of crowds of people. We were kind of late and the opening act was already playing. I asked what everybody wanted and pushed through the crowd to the bar.
"Can I see some ID?"
I nodded, my wallet handy, I pulled my driver's license out and handed it to the bartender. She squinted her eyes at the date and then handed it back to me. When she returned with her drinks she squinted at me again. "Did that driver's license say you were Taylor Hanson?"
I was sliding it back into my wallet, and I checked it as if I weren't sure. "Yeah. I guess it did." I said, taking my drinks and walking away. I couldn't help but smile a little when my back was turned to her. It was my mission in life to leave people thoroughly confused.
In San Francisco it was illegal to smoke in clubs, so I was glad that Alex wouldn't be stuck in a huge room filling her lungs with second hand smoke. I was wary of the crowd, though, making sure she wasn't bumped or pushed. She laughed at my cautiousness.
"Tay, I'm hardly pregnant, calm down." She said, sipping her soda. I nuzzled my face in her neck and sighed.
"I don't want anything to happen to you, that's all." I covered her abdomen with my hands, lightly stroking the fabric covering her skin with my fingers. She put her hands on top of mine and swayed with me to the music. She let go of my hand once to take a sip of her drink, which was resting on the bar. Jessica and Isaac were off in the crowd, I could see Jess dancing with some random guys from where I stood.
"So who's this band that Isaac's raving about? And when are they coming on?"
"I think they're headlining." I said softly, "I don't know if I've ever listened to them. It may be a few hours... Musicians are always late."
"Want to go dance?"
I nodded and we left our half empty glasses at the bar, and she led me out into the crowd. We started moving to the music, but as soon as we began to get into the music the music stopped and the bands were doing their switchover. We met Jess and Isaac in the crowd and Isaac insisted on pressing forward closer to the stage. We managed to squeeze our way up front and center and waited, sweating in the crowd, for the band to come on. As I had predicted, it took the band a good hour to finally start playing, and Alex was already complaining about her ankles hurting. Once the music started we were dancing, and she didn't notice anymore.
I had to agree with Isaac, the band was a lot of fun. "Hey, Ike, what the hell was the name of this band again?"
He cupped his hands and moved in toward my face and I had to repeat my question. "Oh! Oyster Sack, I think."
"Oyster Sack? What the fuck kind of name is that?"
He shrugged, and it was then that I noticed Jessica had drifted in the crowd. I saw her in the arms of some man, and immediately felt an uneasy feeling in my chest. I made a face and looked to Alex, "Should I be concerned about him?" I said motioning in Jess's direction. I needed to know if I was overreacting.
She looked over at the two and shrugged. "That's how I met Zac." She said, and the night continued on. I pushed it out of my mind, and we laughed and danced until the show was over.
When the crowd cleared out, I couldn't see Jess. I grew worried and when I asked Isaac he seemed only mildly concerned. "She'll turn up, maybe she's just getting another soda or something."
I wasn't convinced. "I'll be back, alright?"
"Tay, don't go scouting her out." Alex said, "You're not her father, or anything, don't embarrass her."
"I don't have a very good feeling about this." I said, my stomach doing flip-flops with nervousness. "Just listen, I'm only going to go look for her, alright? I'll just tell her where we are, and that we're jetting out soon. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"
"Alright, fine. Go." She said, and I turned quickly to walk in the direction of the bathrooms, thinking that perhaps she had gotten in line for the women's room, which is always ridiculous. I walked all down the line until I got to the door and I didn't see her. I waited for a few minutes outside the door, thinking she might be inside, but she didn't turn up. I sighed and headed back up the stairs to the main floor, which is when I discovered the hallway to the backstage area. I tiptoed back, peeking my head around the corner, sure that I probably wasn't supposed to be there, and that Jess probably wouldn't be either, but lo and behold, who did I see when I rounded the corner?
She was kissing her night boy toy and I blushed and almost turned away, until I heard her speak when they broke apart. He began fumbling with the buttons on her shirt and she pushed his hands down and shook her head. I watched for a second how he would react, and when he pushed her into the wall and began aggressively kissing her as she struggled, sirens went off in my mind. I began walking toward them, faster and faster until I was running. I grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him away from her, he stared at me for a second, bewildered and I pushed him into the opposite wall and punched him in the face. There was a beat and he looked up at me, I almost let him go - but anger overcame and I grabbed his hair and began and ramming his head into the wall.
Jessica was screaming and pulling on my arms, trying desperately to get me to stop. I didn’t stop until she stood in front of him and punched me in the stomach. I let go of his hair instantly and groaned, leaning forward clutching my stomach.
The kid I was attacking had blood covering his face, running from his nose and cuts on his cheeks from the concrete walls. Once I realized what I had done I stumbled backward and I opened my mouth to apologize. I thought better of it and just clenched my teeth together and walked down the corridor that lead back to the venue.
"Taylor!" Jessica shouted after me, running in my direction. "Taylor!"
I ignored her, but when she caught up to me I grabbed her arm. I pulled her over to where Alex and Isaac were standing. "Let's go." I muttered.
"What happened?" Isaac asked.
"Let's go." I repeated, and he nodded, knowing it was something that I wasn't going to talk about, even if he pried.
Jessica didn't talk to me on the bus ride back, and Isaac and Alex were chattering away about the show while I stared out the window. I had never done that to anyone in my life. I thought back to the time I punched Annissa's father and then the time Isaac and I got in our fight. Those were defensive blows, and I hardly messed up their faces as much as Isaac messed up mine, or even her father, who left me with a black and blue chest and a bump on the back of my head. When I saw him trying to touch my sister I couldn't explain the feeling that ran through me - everything I had been thinking about all day was suddenly in front of me in blind, red, hatred. I didn't think Jessica could understand, unless she crawled inside of my mind.
The yelling started the moment Isaac shut the apartment door. Alex waved her arms and tried to get us to quiet down because of the baby sitter and Theo sleeping, but Jessica and I were two inches from each other’s faces screaming, and no one could seem to get it to stop.
"What the fuck, Tay?"
I grabbed her and lead her down the hallway to the guest bedroom. "That's all I get, 'What the fuck?' Not even a 'Thank you?'"
"You fucking rammed some guys head into a wall repeatedly!"
"Some guy who was going to rape you!" I shouted back, angrily. "I heard what you said and I saw what he was doing. I'm not stupid, Jessica."
"He didn't deserve that!"
"Oh yeah? Well what if I wasn't there? What if it was too late? He was touching you and you were saying 'No.'"
"What the fuck is wrong with you, today?" She hissed.
"Oh, now there's something wrong with me because I helped you! What do you think he was just going to stop? Guys don't take you to fucking hallways like that for a nice stroll!"
"But you didn't have to do what you did." She said, through clenched teeth. "You would have given him a concussion if I didn't stop you!"
I sighed, "So maybe I went a bit overboard. I was just looking out for you, okay?"
"No, I don't think that was the issue." She pointed in my face, rudely. "I think that the Taylor I know would have dealt with that less violently. I think you're angry about something else and I don't know what the fuck it is, but you better get it out."
"Well," I said, "Maybe he'll think twice before he tries it again."
"Jesus, fuck you, Tay." She sighed, "I'm going to bed. Get out of my room."
"Fine."
next>>
index
email
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
- Pink Floyd; "Comfortably Numb"